SAN DIEGO -- A tearful Barry Bonds told the world during his new documentary show Tuesday night that at times he's having trouble dealing with the weight of his all-time home-run chase, steroid allegations that continue to dog him, and a Major League Baseball investigation that is purportedly going to delve into his past.

"It's so hard at times," said the San Francisco Giants slugger, revealing a side of himself that people rarely get to see. "I have so much on my shoulders, so much weight on my back, that constantly climbing that hill is getting harder and harder. But I'm going to climb it no matter what."

The first segment of "Bonds on Bonds," the show produced by Tollin/Robbins Productions and aired Tuesday night on ESPN2, didn't break much new ground, although it didn't shy away from any of the major issues, either. It did reveal that Bonds hasn't been as calm about the growing controversy this spring as he has outwardly shown.

"It's been hard," Bonds told MLB.com, echoing the same sentiment in the clubhouse at PETCO Park before Tuesday night's Giants game against the San Diego Padres was rained out. "But I'll get through it."

Bonds said he wasn't in Florida after the 1998 season when he visited Ken Griffey Jr. and supposedly told the Cincinnati Reds star he had begun taking performance-enhancing drugs. The allegation appears in a new biography about Bonds. Griffey also recently said he doesn't "remember" having that conversation.

During the show, Bonds also said he has been receiving threatening mail, e-mail and phone calls.

The first segment lasted an hour and studied parts of his background -- from his sometimes chaotic relationship with his father, the late Giants slugger Bobby Bonds, to his days as a youngster developing as a Hall of Fame player.

Tollin/Robbins is slated to do 10 hours of total programming and follow Bonds until he passes Babe Ruth on the all-time homer list. Bonds, at 708, is six behind Ruth's 714 and 47 in arrears of Hank Aaron's all-time MLB-leading 755. All the succeeding weekly episodes will be done in 30-minute blocks.

But the most poignant moment of the initial show was a piece of interview footage near the end during which the 41-year-old Bonds broke down from the sheer emotions of it all.

"I'm drained," he said, breaking into tears. "I'm mentally and emotionally drained. I get so tired of it it's ridiculous. But I'm not going to allow anyone to bring me down. They can try and destroy me, whatever they want to try and do. But they can't do anything else. They can't hurt me any more than they've already hurt me. They can't hurt my family any more than they've already hurt my family. Those things have already been done. I just want to play ball. That's it."

Bonds had a successful season opener on Monday in a 6-1 loss to the Padres.

He went 1-for-4, ripping a ground-rule double to dead center on the first pitch of the second inning against right-hander Jake Peavy and then easily coming home standing up on Lance Niekro's two-out single.

He was heckled by some in the crowd of 43,767 in attendance, who came with signs that derided Bonds' accomplishments as steroid driven. One fan tossed a syringe on the field that seemed like the size of a turkey baster.

Bonds scooped up the syringe with his glove as he came trotting in from the field after the Padres' half of the eighth inning and tossed it out of harm's way. The moment was caught by ESPN's cameras and included in Tuesday night's opening moments of the segment, which Bonds said he had yet to view in its completed form.

"I've seen bits and pieces of it, but they sent out the end of it [Monday night] and I never saw the completed show," he said. "They're going to send me the DVD."

Bonds was originally in the Giants' starting lineup Tuesday, but he was scratched when it seemed obvious that the outfield grass would've been soaked if the game was played. Bonds missed all except 14 games of the 2005 season after undergoing three surgeries on his right knee.

Whether Bonds plays Wednesday night against the Padres is very much in question. The weather is again expected to be inclement and the Giants open at home Thursday afternoon against the Atlanta Braves. Before the rainout, Bonds was scheduled to sit Wednesday and play Thursday.

"My plans were to play him at home, but I don't know what avenue to take," Giants manager Felipe Alou said. "I'll have to talk to him."