A new Phillies home?

Someday down the road, the Phillies will need a new ballpark to call home.

To get there, one must explore ideas that are creative, unusual, wild, weird and tacky. Ideas cannot be limited or controlled by rules or tradition. More precisely, think out of the box. Way out!

Buckle up!

OK, the Phillies' new home will be ingeniously named Billy’s Penn. A fitting tribute to William Penn’s statue that overlooks the city of Philadelphia. William Penn would be honored, according to Ben Franklin.

But wait!

We have a sponsor! Billy’s Penn at Toyota Tent. Yep, the tent is the latest hybrid technology for covering a ballpark. Just think, with a tented ballpark, no more postponements and rain delays, the Phanatic parachuting with the first ball or seeing rainbows. World Series Game 3s in Philly in 1993, 2008, 2009, 2022 were affected by rain. No more World Series weather issues. Getting there is the hard part.

Events can take place 365 days a year ... concerts, movie premieres, banquets, weddings, graduations, birthday parties, chess tournaments, March Madness games, Halloween parties, tractor pulls, sports-betting conventions and a record-setting sleepover with John Kruk. Thousands of people sleeping on the field with the Krukker. Breakfast served by WAWA, the sleepover sponsor. Xfinity will stream the event live.

Each seating section in Toyota Tent will have a sponsor. For example, Section 101 will be McDonald’s. If there’s a no-hitter, everybody in that section will receive a free Big Mac. (Fries and soda are added for a perfect game.)

There are even sections for senior citizens, marked in giant letters, GERITOL and POLIDENT. Sections sponsored by MOTT’S PRUNE JUICE will be strategically located near restrooms. Clever architects.

Each base will be sponsored by Tastykake (1B-butterscotch krimpet; 2B-chocolate cupcake, 3B-honey bun). Bases will change every inning and be sold. Why? Revenue. Relax, you get a free box of Tastykakes with the purchase of a base.

Ballgirls will be replaced by robots surprisingly named Camry and Highlander. Hybrids naturally.

Every seat will be equipped with a Microsoft uPad. I know, I know ... what’s a uPad? Just made it up. Just play along.

These uPads will provide fans with everything imaginable in the game from analytical stats to videos, replays, explanations from the managers on their decisions, in-game interviews, umpire rulings, injury reports, commercials, buying tickets, merchandise or a Tastykake base. Sports betting? Yep ... betting on the number of soft pretzels to be sold the next inning ... in your row. Draft King!

You will even be able to buy young Krew Harper’s home run bat online with your snazzy uPad. The young Phillies slugger will be able to autograph it electronically for a fee. A portion of the fee will go to help fund the Toyota Tent.

Phillies.com will have a link to donate to the Tent’s construction fund. For a $10,000 donation, you receive four square inches of tent fabric neatly framed in the shape of a baseball. For $1 more, your name can be added.

Don’t worry, every seat will have a uPad charger. You can also use it to buy food and beverages. No need to go and wait in line at a concession stand. Simply order and pay with your uPad. Your order will be delivered by a drone, but only between innings. A flock of drones will interfere with fly balls during an inning. Umpires don’t like drone delays during a game.

Traditional hot dogs will no longer be sold at concession stands. Instead, thanks to pharmaceutical companies, hot dogs will come in capsule-shaped pills to be swallowed with either ketchup- or mustard-flavored Coca-Cola. Technology.

Car chargers will dominate the parking lots, so fans can charge their electric cars while the game is in progress. Uber helicopters will be available for a quicker ride home. Easy bookings with your uPad.

Oh, that Krew Harper bat you bought. It will be delivered to your home by an Amazon drone service owned by Bryce Harper.

But wait!

Where will Billy’s Penn at Toyota Tent be located?

The Navy Yard. Fans will be able to go to games by boat and dock at Schwarber’s Station located next to the Harper Helicopter Pads. Toyota Tent will be the first ballpark in which fans can get there by land, sea or air. Nola’s Tram Cars will offer free transportation from any parking garage within a five-mile radius.

If you stay at the exclusive Phillies Home Run Holiday Inn Suites Hotel located beyond center field, you can simply walk to the ballpark or get there on a moving sidewalk. The playing field can be seen from some deluxe hotel suites that come equipped with free binoculars.

During the day, families can enjoy the Phillie Phanatic Amusement Park located where Citizens Bank Park once stood.

Philly cheesesteaks? To-go orders can be made on your uPad and be picked up behind Section 123 on your way out. A great way to end a fan-friendly fun night at the old ballpark.