Match game: Proposing perfect FA marriages

All these available free agents and all these Major League teams keep making eyes at each other, but very few have proved willing to step to the altar and make it official. We're getting late enough in the Hot Stove schedule that perhaps some arranged marriages are in order.
So by the powers vested in me as a bored baseball scribe, I now pronounce you player and team. From this point forward (or at least until the real deals get done and render all of this moot), I do declare …
• Hot Stove Tracker
Eric Hosmer is now a …
Cardinal. C'mon, Hoz. You don't want to wait to win in San Diego or your "native" Kansas City. Drape that birds-on-bats logo over your chest and let's go. Hosmer would be the perfect representative of this proud franchise that is aggressively looking to get back in the postseason limelight, and he and Marcell Ozuna lengthen the lineup considerably.
Yu Darvish is now a …
Cub. With a projected payroll hovering in the $155 million range, the Cubs have plenty of wiggle room -- not just under the luxury-tax threshold, but under their 2017 Opening Day tally. They've got room in the short- and long-term budgets for Darvish, and while the Tyler Chatwood deal could prove to be a savvy buy, they need more stability in their starting set.

Jake Arrieta is now a …
Brewer. Sorry, but Jhoulys Chacín and Yovani Gallardo alone might not be enough to keep this rotation in order with Jimmy Nelson down. Arrieta would set a tone and help the Brew Crew avoid regression from that surprise 2017 season. This team has tremendous depth in its system, but Arrieta represents a veteran presence that would move the needle. And the Brewers have enough long-term flexibility in their finances to get it done.
Neil Walker is now a …
Brewer, too. I know it was just supposed to be a summer fling in 2017, but Walker had an .843 OPS and 121 OPS+ in his brief time with Milwaukee. Let's take this relationship a step further.
J.D. Martinez is now a …
Red Sox. Look, guys, I don't have time to deliberate over whether this should read "a Red Sock" or whether I just should have changed the format altogether to avoid clunky grammar here. I just know you two belong together. J.D., you belong in the American League, dude. You've been worth minus-27 Defensive Runs Saved over the last two years. You can play left field when Andrew Benintendi sits against certain lefties, right field when Mookie Betts gets a breather and mash from the DH spot a la David Ortiz the rest of the time. Boston, you need power, and you know it. There are no great backup plans to Martinez, so let's J(ust) D(o It).

Lorenzo Cain is now a …
Giant. The Giants' outfield defense was a huge weakness last year, ranking 29th in Outs Above Average. A glove upgrade is definitely in order here, and Cain's no slouch with the stick, either.
Mike Moustakas is now a …
Met. Look, we'd all love a miraculous return for David Wright, but the Mets need big help in the infield if they're going to contend. Slide Asdrúbal Cabrera over to second, put the Moose at third and add a little more potency to that lineup.

Alex Cobb is now a …
Twin. He's not as sexy of a signing as Minnesota fans might want, but Cobb very well might wind up providing better value than Arrieta or Darvish for a Twins team that needs more rotation stability.
Jay Bruce is now a …
Blue Jay. If the Blue Jays are not going to trade Josh Donaldson and usher in a rebuild, then a substantial upgrade is in order in right field, where José Bautista's Toronto tenure appears to have come to an end. Bruce will lengthen the lineup, he's better than advertised in the outfield and he will instantly upgrade the clubhouse culture there.
Todd Frazier is now a …
Yankee. Again. You know this Jersey boy is burning to be back in the Bronx with his thumb down. If he has to take his chances on a one-year deal (giving the Yanks the flexibility to pursue Manny Machado a year from now), so be it. It's worth it if you win a ring with the club you grew up rooting for.
Greg Holland is now a …
National. The Nats significantly deepened their bullpen midseason last year with the acquisitions of Sean Doolittle, Ryan Madson and Brandon Kintzler (who then re-signed). But the state of the game is such that you can never be too deep in the 'pen, and 2018 is a year of great urgency in the District.
Jonathan Lucroy is now a …
Rocky. Well, here's more awkward verbiage ("Rockie" doesn't look right, either), but at least we know the fit isn't awkward. Lucroy's bat woke up when he came to Colorado late in 2017 and he worked well with that young starting staff. When adjusted for park effects, the Rockies' offensive production last year was actually significantly below league average (87 wRC+), so they could use a full season of the production Lucroy provided in his short stint.
Carlos González is now a …
D-back. The money just might not match up with Martinez, so the D-backs might need somebody else to bring some thump to the equation. CarGo is a decent bounceback bet in that ballpark.

Lance Lynn is now a …
Ranger. That rotation gets iffy quickly after Cole Hamels, and Lynn was back to his old, 30-start self last season after Tommy John surgery. This move also allows Mike Minor to beef up the bullpen.
Logan Morrison is now a …
Royal. Hosmer's 132 OPS+ in 2017 was a career high … and Morrison bested him with a 135 OPS+. Plus, something about LoMo in KCMO seems right.
There. That didn't solve all of the world's problems, but we came pretty close, didn't we? Now, if you'll excuse me, Brian Cashman and Neal Huntington need me to help finalize this Gerrit Cole trade …