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34 massive home runs that should convince every MLB team to sign Wily Mo Pena

34 homer-ific reasons that Wily Mo should come back

If every Major League pitcher suddenly felt a chill run down their spine, there's good reason for it: Wily Mo Pena is considering a return to Major League Baseball.

As reported by Tim Dierkes of MLB Trade Rumors, the slugger whose home runs have damaged satellites wants to make a comeback after hitting 32 HR with an .830 OPS for the Orix Buffaloes this season. And it appears the Twins and Pena are looking to sign each other's dance cards.

If those numbers and the promise of announcers shouting "WILY MO!" aren't enough to convince teams to sign the slugger, here are 34 very good reasons to bring Pena back to the States: 

1. He shoots more lasers than Cyclops:

2. Instead of putting pennies in wishing wells, he simply launches baseballs into them: 

3. He understands narrative, waiting until the bottom of the ninth to win ballgames:

4. He doesn't discriminate against curveballs, bashing both fastballs and offspeed offerings with equal glee. 

5. He adapts faster than a supercomputer with advanced AI. After a big cut that came up empty, Pena connected on a ball that may still be in the traveling: 

6. His swing produces enough torque to tear a mere mortal in half:

7. He is an amateur interior decorator. Just look at the sunroof he tried to add to the Osaka Dome's ceiling on this 492-foot shot: 

8. He'll hit balls so high to the opposite field that no one can believe that they're real. You know, like the moon landing. 

9. His dingers can only be translated as "superhuman strength bullets." Which sounds pretty accurate to me. 

10 - 34: So pull up a chair, grab a glass of warm milk, and settle in for Pena's first 25 home runs of this season. If that doesn't inspire you to sign Wily Mo Pena for next season, Major League team owner and/or GM, well, I don't know what will: