What if Zack Greinke had Dallas Keuchel's beard and Keuchel had Greinke's hair?

It is a universally accepted truth that big beards and long hair make baseball players better at their job. When we split the 2015 All-Stars up based on their facial hair proclivities, we had to round down for some to even make it a fair game.

But -- pray tell -- which follically-themed fashion choice offers the biggest boost in performance? For the answer to that question, we need not look further than the first inning of Tuesday's MLB All-Star Game presented by T-Mobile.

On Monday, it was officially announced that Dodgers pitcher Zack Greinke and Astros hurler Dallas Keuchel would start for the NL and AL teams, respectively. Greinke's got some of the longest locks in all of baseball: 

And the hair growing on Keuchel's face isn't just a beard ... it's the focal point of every room he enters (or field he plays on). 

With this in mind, we envisioned a parallel reality in which these men face off in the first inning of Tuesday's Midsummer classic, but after having swapped cranial accessories.

Top 1 - The game starts slightly later than expected because Greinke's in the clubhouse combing his beard. Like most characters who spontaneously grow hair on their face in unfathomably quick fashion, Bearded Greinke turns out to be actual Greinke's evil twin. He harnesses the power of the curveball and sits the first three AL hitters down in order.

Bottom 1 - With new golden locks spilling out from under his cap, Keuchel comes out throwing not too fast ... not too slow ... but just right. He comes out and induces three ground balls on three pitches and we're heading to the second after, like, five minutes of baseball.