For Victor Martinez's 36th birthday, we envision him as superstore V-Mart
On his 36th birthday, what would a V-Mart store sell?
Tigers first baseman/catcher/designated hitter and verified human being Victor Martinez turns 36 years old Tuesday. Armed with a fresh four-year contract, the 2014 AL MVP runner-up is primed for a great 2015 season and a great 36th year of his life.
But what if Martinez wasn't the 36-year-old baseball-demolishing human that he is, and instead a literal embodiment of his nickname "V-Mart?" As in, what if he were a chain of big-box superstores?
(Note: There is, apparently, an actual chain of stores named V-Mart, which according to the company's LinkedIn is a "One Stop Family Shop with a comprehensive portfolio of retail products offering a large assortment of product categories catering to the needs of the family." But let's pretend otherwise.)
What would V-Mart sell? Maybe it's because we have holiday gift shopping on the brain, but we'd like to imagine V-Mart as a magical store that sells anything and everything your heart desires, all for a reasonable price. And we're betting more than a few items of the shelves would be Tigers-themed.
A few example items:
Live tigers: Because, duh.
Zubaz: Not enough retailers sell Zubaz. Plus, his teammates need to shop somewhere.
Robocop statues: As a public service to the people of Detroit.
Joba Chamberlain's beard hair: When Chamberlain shaved, the hair had to go somewhere. Why not into a retail store?
8 months. It's been a good ride. pic.twitter.com/LtyFxp1WC0- Joba Chamberlain (@Joba_44) October 7, 2014
A CD of Jim Leyland's greatest Karaoke hits: As a public service to the people of Earth.
Baseball caskets: For all the balls Martinez smashes.
Tag-proof jerseys: For when you really want to avoid that tag at home.