Six semi-serious storylines to keep an eye on during baseball's second half

Congratulations, everyone -- we've almost made it through the Dark Times. Forty-eight bleak hours entirely devoid of the joys of baseball. But take heart! For we promise that soon, actual games will return, and light will be restored to the world. We would like to commend you for your courage during this arduous journey through the All-Star break, as it truly embiggens us all. And so, as a token of our gratitude, we present six storylines -- some related to real baseball things and some, uh, not -- to keep an eye on during the second half of the season.

Billy Hamilton's quest to steal all of the bases

This just in: Billy Hamilton is fast. Like, "steal third base before you even know what's happening" fast:

So fast, in fact, that he's racked up a staggering 44 stolen bases through 86 games (only 77 of which he's played in). If that sounds like a preposterous number, that's because it is -- no NL player has swiped 80 bags in a season since Vince Coleman in 1988. 

But hey, while we're letting stuff like this stoke our imaginations, why not get crazy. If Hamilton stays healthy and picks up the pace, he has an outside shot at a truly astounding number: 100 steals, something that's only been accomplished by a handful of people in the history of the game. Sure, it's a long shot, but a fan can dream, and in that spirit we say: Run, Billy! Run like you're not in a coma! 

Orbit: Adorably furry space mascot, or AL West X-factor?

Sure, Orbit may seem cute, what with his baseball planet ear stalks and his tragic desire to find someone, anyone to play Twister with him. But be forewarned: his cuddliness is just a facade, behind which lies a Machiavellian prankster who brings chaos wherever he goes:

And Orbit's reign of banana-fueled terror extends far beyond innocent mascot races. He's been known to give the Astros' AL West rivals fits -- "J.P. Arencibia cried during 'The Notebook'", Orbit? that's cold -- and with Houston in the thick of this year's division race, be on the lookout for any shenanigans. Will Orbit point out that "Albert Pujols skipped leg day" or surprise Mike Trout with a bunch of actual trout, perhaps? Only time will tell. 

Zack Greinke might never stop throwing up zeros

It's been 35 2/3 innings since Zack Greinke last gave up a run (All-Star Game doesn't count). That's a span of five starts and 495 pitches. That's a lot of nothin. The right-hander is one of just six pitchers in the live-ball era to tally five consecutive scoreless starts and could pass teammate Clayton Kershaw's 41-inning streak from last season, Don Drydale's 55 2/3 from 1968 and Orel Hershiser's all-time record of 59 straight frames back in 1990. The last time Greinke gave up a run was June 13 against the Padres. That's more than one month ago! That was before we even knew what Pluto looked like. Anyway, he may never give up a run again -- but he could still knock some in:

Andrew McCutchen's sock game is on point

Andrew McCutchen is a very good baseball player, but do you know what? He may be an ever better fashion designer. And when we say fashion, we mean the heights of fashion. We mean sock fashion. 

Yep, Cutch designed these feet warmers for the suddenly red-hot Buccos. Who knows what article of clothing he'll move onto next? Loafers? Underwear? No, please, anything but underwear.

Goldschmidt and Harper going for the Triple Crown

It's still early, but both Paul Goldschmidt and Bryce Harper are in the top five in average, homers, RBIs in the National League. Goldschmidt leads in BA (.340) and RBIs (70) and is fifth in homers (21), while Harper is second in average (.339), fourth in RBIs (61) and second in long balls (26). We also wouldn't put it past either of them, because ...

Yeah, that's right.

When Miguel Cabrera last won the Crown three years ago, he wasn't leading in ANY of the three major categories (13th in homers!) at the All-Star Break, so Goldy and Bryce seem to have a step up on him.

Will tarp monsters finally break free of their MLB stadiums and wreak havoc upon the world?

Tarp monster attacks have been on the rise in recent years --- from Colorado to Chicago to New York City. A man was nearly swallowed whole in Pittsburgh a few weeks ago:

And a similar incident almost occurred during a Rockies game last week:

THEY'RE MULTIPLYING! pic.twitter.com/HVppGtTv9L

— Cut4 (@Cut4) July 10, 2015

As a wise man once warned: "We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes ... we cannot get out, a shadow moves in the dark ... they are coming."