Instantly improve your day with this wonderful collection of classic MLB fight songs
Feeling down? Revisit these classic MLB team anthems
Maybe you've had a rough morning. Maybe your commute was a pain, or you spilled your morning coffee, or you happen to be a pitcher scheduled to face Nelson Cruz at some point in the near future.
Well fear not, weary traveler, for whatever may be ailing you, YouTube user Mcx110 has the cure: a ridiculously exhaustive, 37-video list of classic MLB team anthems -- from a rare '70s bootleg of "Meet the Mets" to at least four -- yes, four -- separate Indians fight songs.
There's a lot to sift through, but we're here to bring order to the chaos the best way we know how: by making up some awards. So, without further ado, we humbly present the first annual Baseball Anthem Trophies, or BATs for short. First up:
Most Helpful Spelling Lesson
Winner: Baltimore Orioles, "Orioles Magic (Feel It Happen)"
After the O's cinderella run took them all the way to the 1979 World Series, team executives wanted to capture the drama of that summer in a song. So, they hired a jingle writer named Walter Woodward -- who had previously written "Royalmania" for Kansas City -- and gave him just one condition: It had to be called "Orioles Magic."
What Woodward came up with is a shameless ball of piano-heavy cheese, with some blaring electric guitar inexplicably laid on top because the '80s were dark and full of terrors. (Woodward originally envisioned Neil Diamond on vocals, which tells you everything you need to know and is something you'll never be able to unhear.)
It was so outdated that Baltimore eventually stopped taking the field to it in 2008. But to this day, when the O's walk off with a win, you can still hear "Orioles Magic" in the background, with shouts to Earl Weaver and Wild Bill Nagy and some really, really enthusiastic backup vocals. And Camden Yards can't help but belt out the chant: "O-R-I-O-L-E-S!"
It's a weirdly profound experience, and prime evidence that sports can in fact make literally anything cool.
Most Wildly Egregious Use of a Saxophone
Winner: Minnesota Twins, "We're Gonna Win, Twins!", muzak remix
The original rendition of "We're Gonna Win, Twins!", written when the team first moved to Minnesota in 1961, is a wonderfully old-timey tune that will make you long for the days when gentlemen wore fedoras to the ballpark and relievers were for the weak.
This 1980s update is a faithful adaptation, if you replace "wonderfully old-timey" with "public access channel aerobics video" and "tune" with "a minute-long excuse for some sax player to absolutely lose his mind":
Come on, Minnesota. You have Prince in your own backyard!
Worst Pun You Secretly Think is Amazing
Winner: New York Mets, "Get Metsmerized!"
You might think the Mets were pretty well-covered in the fight song department heading into 1986. But George Foster -- a member of the Big Red Machine in the '70s and entering the final season of his 18-year career in '86 -- was having none of that noise, and decided to make a player-rap that would make the Super Bowl Shuffle blush:
A few observations:
1) Over/under for the total number of takes to get Doc Gooden's awkward verse: 84.5. (Hey, when you're coming off one of the greatest pitching seasons in the history of baseball, we'll cut you some slack.)
2) "Thank you George, you're a classy guy/with your black bat [cracking sound effect that sounds like it was recorded in an aircraft hanger], you know we rely." Best rhyme, or best rhyme?
3) For the record, this song was released after New York had played just one game, and the Mets were prepared to just go ahead and give themselves a World Series ring. Which somehow makes us love this whole thing more.
4) The brainstorming for this song definitely began and ended with someone coming up with "Metsmerized" and then dropping the mic, because it's literally the entire chorus with no melody within 150 miles.
5) Whatever, it's still infinitely more entertaining than anything Joe Piscopo could come up with.
Most Ostensibly Annoying Song That You'll Have Stuck in Your Head for a Week
Winner: Cleveland Indians, "We're Talkin' Baseball, We're Talkin' Tribe"
The use of "We've got a future/we're headed to the top", the "woo! woo!" choir in the background, the poor man's Molly Hatchet vibe -- nothing about this song, which popped up during the mid-to-late-'90s, should work.
But listen to it at least once, and then give it some time. Get up and go about your day. Within the hour, there's at least a 60 percent chance you'll find yourself inexplicably whistling the chorus despite any and all pleas to basic decency. The human brain remains an enigma.