Literal Nickname Battle Royale: NL East

From civic landmarks to colorful clothing items to fauna both fierce and docile, the 30 MLB clubs own a diverse set of nicknames. What if each team was represented not by human baseball players, but by the literal thing it’s named for?

Here are the rules: Just like in real MLB, each team gets 25 "players." But unlike in real MLB, the players are not playing baseball -- they are playing a no-holds-barred battle royale in however large an arena is necessary to hold them. We'll examine who would reign supreme in each of the six divisions, and finish with determining an overall champion. Today: the NL East. Previously: the NL West and the NL Central.

Don't get the size of the Miami Atlantic Ocean-dwelling fish with spear-like snouts wrong -- Billy the Marlin is, in fact, smaller than the real thing. These marine monsters can grow up to 16 feet in length and 1,800 lbs in weight. One gave the protagonist Santiago a hell of a three-day fight in The Old Man and the Sea, and did I mention they have swords where their noses are supposed to be?

But alas, the old man in The Old Man and the Sea is an old man, and without the physical strength (or bravery) that the Atlanta warriors of North American indigenous peoples are likely to possess. But after that is when things get a little unusual. This division has by far a stronger civic flavor than any other. First there is the Philadelphia Philadelphias, a throwback to the 1800s when it was common to refer to teams in that manner. And there's also the New York New York Metropolitan Areas.

Obviously entire highly populated areas would be difficult to beat, and it's hard to compare these two against each other. Philadelphia has Rocky; the New York Metro has Sylvester Stallone. Philadelphia has the Fresh Prince; the New York Metro has the Men in Black. The New York Metro has a lot more people, especially since it gets to include its entire region -- a region which, as defined by the Office of Management and Budget, even includes a small piece of Pennsylvania. That could be disorienting for their opponent. However, motivating that huge population across 23 counties and four states to compete could be a bureaucratic nightmare, while Philadelphia's residents live in a compact, consolidated city-county.

But why risk angering one of two very vocal fanbases by declaring one to be better when it's clear neither would ultimately prevail? Clearly, any areas within the United States would ultimately be superceded by the Washington Characteristics Embodying the United States of America. Pledge allegiance to your Literal NL East champions -- and celebrate a victory they might not have won as the Montreal 1967 World's Fairs.

-- Dan Wohl / MLB.com