Bro hugs per minute? Join us, as we break down Max Scherzer's no-hitter celebration

As you may have heard, Max Scherzer threw a no-hitter against the Pirates on Saturday because Max Scherzer might actually be a fire-breathing dragon. He's also put together one of the greatest two-start stretches in baseball history and he's gotten more hits (two) over those last two starts than he's given up (one).

But the true brilliance, that which will be passed down through the annals of American sport, was the celebration -- a phantasmagoria of chocolate products, sports drinks and adorable shenanigans that will be spoken of in hushed tones for generations. In solemn recognition of this sacred event, we turned to Cut4's Absolutely Fake Statcast Analytics for an egregiously detailed breakdown:

Received Bro Hugs Per Minute: 12

You may have experienced the bro hug before. Maybe you even consider yourself something of a connoisseur of its many forms. But you have almost definitely never given and received the amount of bro hugs that took place at Nationals Park.

The bro hug is the past and the future. It is our means of communication. Embrace the bro hug singularity.

Rocky Dance Spin Rate: 75 rpm

Little known fact about Max Scherzer -- a little bit of Gatorade turns him into Sly Stallone as interpreted by a jubilant 5-year-old: 

When not even the stickiness of sugary liquid can ruin your mood, you've reached nirvana. 

Rugby Scrum Escape Velocity: 100 mph

Or, as the inevitable Museum of Modern Baseball Art Installation will call it: "The Human Turtle," baseball players on grass, 2015.

GET OUT OF THERE, MAX. 

High Five Pressure Produced: 300 PPI

Rumor has it that the Richter Scale at a local D.C. geological center registered this handshake as a 2.3:

The real question, though: secret handshake, or the most intense game of pattycakes in recorded history?

Perceived Chocolate Syrup Velocity: 50 feet per second

It's the trend that's been taking the nation's capital by storm, and on Saturday it reached its zenith:

No, really, there was a lot of chocolate syrup:

A reward of liquid chocolate: inspiring young children everywhere to start immediately working toward no-hitters since 2015.

(Quick side note: No one's going to think of the clubhouse guy assigned with that load of laundry? No? That's cold, guys.)