Racing pierogies, Pedro-as-Yoda, Joba's beard: Presenting the Cut4 Halloween costume guide
Presenting the Cut4 Halloween costume guide
Late October is the merriest time of year for one reason (sorry, foliage): Halloween costumes. The possibilities are endless -- you can be whatever your twisted imagination concocts, from dead presidents (William Henry Harrison is particularly inspired) to beloved childhood cartoon characters.
But we at Cut4 understand that picking the perfect costume can be daunting. So we came up with a handy Cut4-themed costume guide for you this Halloween, or any Halloween for as long as you may live. We think it's pretty top-notch; you can't go wrong with any of 'em.
Miserable Jack White
All you need is a Cubs replica jersey, a shoulder-length brunette wig (or go with your own luscious locks if applicable), and a well-practiced scowl. Remember, the most important part is an utter loathing for everything around you. Really lay the contempt for human existence on thick; say things like "Those gosh darn good-for-nothin' Black Keys."
Hunter Pence, as based on the many signs trolling him
At this point, there might not be much of a difference between a Pence costume and a superhero costume -- the dude seems to feed on the mundane mockery like reverse kryptonite.
This costume is great because you look totally normal wearing a Hunter Pence jersey (or shirsey, for those of us on a budget), but you get to act like a total weirdo all night. Just walk around the party or house-to-house while trick-or-treating talking about how much you love The Godfather 3.
Derek Jeter, Digital Media Mogul
Jeter is probably going to be a hot costume this year, considering the 2014 season was one long kiss-off to the Captain. But if you want to stand-out among the plebian Jeter fans, we recommend basing your costume on Jeter's post-MLB career as founder of ThePlayersTribune.com. One part Yankees shortstop, one part new media guru, wear your Jeter jersey (because you have one already, right?) and talk about things like "content" and "verticals" and "social media optimization" to anyone in earshot.
For the trick-or-treater who likes things spelled out for him, this mask from MLB Shop is about as easy as it gets. If you want to commit, you can take awkward steps and swing your arms around all night, in the spirit of Lincecum's funky delivery. Major bonus points if you grow the most majestic wispy mustache this Earth has ever seen.
This one is an actual superhero, albiet a lesser known caped-crusader -- according to his website, Burgh Man is the "embodiment of the spirit of the City of Pittsburgh." This costume probably plays best in western Pennsylvania, but we won't deny any ex-pats their right to honor their hometown. To pull off one of Cut4's more complicated costumes, you'll need a pair of roller blades, all black clothing, a black cape, a black bicycle helmet, light-up bowling pins, and multiple strings of flashing lights.
Also necessary: a strong tolerance for people coming up to you and asking, "So what are you supposed to be?"
An ideal group costume: get a bunch of friends together and have everybody pick sides. Those loyal to our nation's leaders need an old-fashioned looking suit and a giant paper-mache head of their favorite president (go with Taft, we know you want to). For those running as pierogies, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has a handy how-to for making your own costume. We just hope you're a craft enthusiast.
Once your costumes are assembled, run around like hooligans trying to beat each other to wherever you're going. Warning: sure to be super obnoxious to anyone not wearing a giant president head or pierogi costume.
Pedro Martinez as Yoda
If you're feeling a throwback costume, we highly recommend dressing up as Pedro-as-Yoda. No one knows why exactly the All Star donned a Yoda mask in the middle of a game -- but who are we to question the great Pedro Martinez? All you need is a Pedro jersey, a rubber Yoda mask, and a Red Sox cap. Not included: critiquing Ned Yost's postseason managing.
Joba Chamberlain's former beard
Be prepared to bum a lot of people out with this costume. In honor of our fallen comrade, cover yourself in copious amounts of a material that resembles human hair (but isn't actually human hair, unless you're a weirdo), and attach a halo to your head. Walk around asking, "Have you seen my face?" and telling people, "I'm homeless now."
This is only for the boldest among us, especially in Chicago. Follow this kid's costume to a T: headphones, glasses, Cubs hat. Spend all night getting in the way of people reaching for things. Trolls gonna troll.