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Ranking the Unrankable: Racing Presidents vs. Pierogies vs. Lobsters

Ranking Presidents vs. Pierogies vs. Lobsters

Fearing the chaos and mess of existence, humans like to be able to categorize objects and ideas. We award MVPs so that we can say that for one calendar year, there was no one better. We have standings and divisions so we can comprehend six months of baseball games. We even shop at stores that are devoted just to containers.

But there are some things that defy easy categorization. While we can try to rank the U.S. Presidents in relation to each other, we haven't been able to accurately rank them compared to things like traditional Polish foods or popular crustaceans. 

Thanks to people putting on giant costumes, we finally have an answer to those questions. As the Pirates played the Nationals on Sunday afternoon, we got to see Presidents take on pierogies who in turn squared off with lobsters. The results may surprise you: 

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While it appears that pierogies are better than every President save for William Howard Taft (even though Roosevelt had already showed that the dumplings are no match for him), lobsters are actually batter than all pierogies. 

So far, our rankings look like this. 

Rankings of Everything
 
1. William Howard Taft
2. Lobsters (with or without luchadore masks)
3. Pierogies
4. Presidents that are not William Howard Taft.

Obviously, that is only a small fraction of all the items in the universe, but at least it's a start. Hopefully we'll soon have the answer that I've been searching for my whole life: Milwaukee's Racing Sausages or free will? 

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