Twitter Fantasy League, Finale: Moll so hard
Molly won. By a landslide. The rest of us were never even in it. She dominated us like Joey Votto dominates the strike zone or Shaq dominates a basket of fries.
All in all, I'd call our first month a succcess. Were there kinks to work out? Sure. Did I embarrass myself? Absolutely. Did we learn more about the world and the rich tapestry of individuals who inhabit it? Possibly.
To the standings!
@michaeloher bro I'm lost what's goin on?- Bernard Pierce (@BPierce_30) May 18, 2013
I'm +53 (+20 Azarenka, +22 Jennings and +11 Pierce) for the last two weeks, making my final total for the month +125. What up?
Kerri Walsh Jennings ultimately recovered from her post-Mother's Day baby-Instagramming mania, instead choosing to post photos of her older kids (who, while cute, ain't worth anything for me). But she did retweet a fair number of inspirational quotes -- keep them sweet, sweet points coming, lady.
Bernard Pierce brought me some Emoji points, but the clear highlight of his recent social media antics was when he got lost while out in Baltimore with Michael Oher. The Ravens running back mysteriously elected to communicate with his teammate via Twitter instead of just calling or texting him. Oher, of course, is on Dan's roster. Could this be the first inter-team @-replying contact in the history of our league?
Though Victoria Azarenka has been busy with the Italian Open and the French Open, the young tennis star spent her tournament downtime killing it on Twitter, churning out hashtags and Emojis. I learned from a twitpic @vika7 posted that she's dating that guy from LMFAO (apparently this is common knowledge -- he even used her trademark grunt in a song), and also that that guy from LMFAO dresses like that all the time.
A very quiet week for Team #WOHLO. While the squad continued its two-week streak of recording no negative points, it's ceased to be just fundamentally sound; it's now pretty much boring, recording scant positive points.
Missy Franklin brought a decent hashtag game when it came to situations as varied as thanking God that her dog is cancer-free to trying to squeeze her 6-foot-1 frame into compact cars. While she contributed with a couple of emojis as well, her performance was subpar compared to previous weeks.
Dustin Penner was even worse on balance, with his weak week being buoyed by a single spectacular 5-point play: trash-talking a teammate. He got in a dig at Jeff Carter's penchant for puck-hogging after a tweet that began by praising Jonathan Quick's goaltending prowess took an unexpected turn.
But the biggest disappointment of the week has to be Michael Oher. Perhaps it was unfair to rely on him as much as #WOHLO has, given he was the last pick of the draft. But the Ravens lineman has been an unexpected force for the team … until this week. His patented deep thoughts about movies and the NBA playoffs were not non-existent, but few and far between. Since he's always been something of a one-trick pony category-wise, he didn't have anything else to contribute.
A disappointing week in an otherwise strong month. Go #WOHLO!
...Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits..." -Rocky Balboa- George Kontos (@G_Kontos) May 20, 2013
Well, it's been a pretty poor last two weeks of the season for MyCousinTweeter. Not sure if the holiday break (there should have been no break. There are no breaks ever on this team) or recent heat wave slowed things down, but we only totaled 26 points. A disappointing effort. I would say I failed, but I didn't. I can't tweet for you guys … unless you give me your passwords … you should've given me your passwords.
Novak Djokovic was traveling all over the place for tennis but managed to make a few videos that included food (is this a point?) and shoehorned in some hashtags. He also sported an incredible bathing cap.
Sometimes I talk to myself. I need expert advice!- terrell suggs (@untouchablejay4) May 25, 2013
It took a full month, but my squad finally seems to be getting the hang of this game. Seventeen points is J.R. Smith and Sons' highest weekly total, so there's momentum going into next month even if it wasn't enough to propel us up the standings this time around.
A conspicuous lack of self-promotion fueled the late-season turnaround, with Ricky Berens handling a lot of the heavy lifting in that respect. He also apparently lifted a lot of sushi in a non-traditional Memorial Day celebration. Bryant McKinnie celebrated America in more normal fashion, apparently inviting anyone with his digits to a barbecue. As for Terrell Suggs, he remains just like the rest of us.
Now the pic is that much better #sexy#life instagram.com/p/ZbMOYdIccC/- Usain St. Leo Bolt (@usainbolt) May 17, 2013
You know, sometimes it seems like everything happens for a reason. This American Life did a story about a woman who wrote her name on a dollar bill, imagining that if someone returned it to her one day, it would mean he was her soulmate. Then, years later, a man she'd been on a few dates with presented her the selfsame dollar, nonchalantly mentioning that he'd come across it that day and thought of her. She sat in stunned silence for a moment, eventually telling him she'd explain later. They're now married.
When I drafted Floyd Mayweather, my fantasy season immediately was over. I was mad. I lashed out. I said some things that I regret. But now, I realize, that was meant to happen. I was meant to be in last and do irreparable damage to my team -- all in the service of uncovering this one, single tweet. For had I not drafted Floyd, I would never have so urgently dropped him in favor of Usain Bolt. Had I not done that, we might never have seen this incredible, beautiful instagram of his.
I've made peace with my disastrous month. It was never about fantasy points, funny tweets, or even about winning. It was about something more than that -- the hope of one day learning something more about athletes, individualism and even humanity itself. This Usain Bolt tweet demonstrates exactly that, for we can all see something of ourselves in this picture. It's the story of us.
On top of all of that? This month thankfully, mercifully, is over.
-- Dakota Gardner and the Cut4 Staff