Is HYDRA responsible for baseball's greatest bloopers? An investigative report
For as long as baseball has existed, there have been bloopers. For every highlight reel catch, there's a ballplayer tripping on his shoelaces. For every deep drive over the fence, there's a hitter corkscrewing into the ground on a swing. Despite the fact that MLB players are world-class athletes, we just assumed this random chaos was part of the game. Today we ask the question: What if it's not?
With Captain America: The Winter Soldier setting an April box office record on the way to earning more than $200 million, conspiracy theorists and brilliant scientists may have finally connected all the dots. The revelation will terrify you. (WARNING: Movie spoilers to come.)
Our theory? HYDRA is to blame for many of baseball's oddities and mishaps. As The Winter Soldier taught us, HYDRA infiltrated SHIELD, America's greatest spy agency, over several decades. Has this evil force also infiltrated MLB? Let's examine the evidence...
Bartolo Colon striking out
At first, we thought Colon's swings were just the awkward rips of a pitcher unaccustomed to swinging the bat -- and his helmet flying off a hilarious by-product.
But upon closer inspection, you can see that the Red Skull is forcibly blowing Colon's helmet off his head:
To be honest, seems like a waste of Red Skull's evildoing time.
B.J. Upton loses a fly ball in the sun
On first glance this looks like just a harmless mistake, easily explained by the human eye's inability to look directly at the sun. But when we enhance the photo, we see a HYDRA agent using a ray gun to prevent Upton from making the catch.
Martin Maldonado hits the cover off the baseball
Some thought that perhaps the ball's seams were loose. Or that there was a sharp rock on the ground. Or that Maldonado had the strength of 1,000 men.
But a closer inspection of the baseball reveals HYDRA's fingerprints all over this incident.
It's okay if a chill just ran down your spine.
Plus, do you think it's really just a coincidence that Alexander Price, the man who orchestrated HYDRA's infiltration of SHIELD...
... is the same man whose home run destroyed all of those innocent lights with nary a thought to the money it would take to replace them?
Just as HYDRA's master scheme in Winter Soldier was to create enough disorder and mayhem that mankind would beg for their control, so too did HYDRA think that messy bloopers would force baseball fans to lay down at their feet.
Fortunately for all of us, they didn't consider one factor: Baseball fans revel in the wacky. We're united in craving the bizarre, the unexpected and the things that just shouldn't be.
Baseball is made of the 13th-round Draft pick who goes on to hit 500 home runs:
The former independent league first baseman who, after turning down an offer to play for more money in Sourth Korea, hit a home run on his mother's birthday:
The exuberance and charm of utility infielder Munenori Kawasaki and his powerful winks:
With the secret now out, HYDRA agents are on the run. Iron Man even attended a recent Angels game, trying to warn Mike Trout about a sinister plot that led to the outfielder's first ever 0-for-4, four-strikeout game.
I'm no lip reader, but I'm pretty sure that Iron Man is saying, "Mike! Hey Mike! I'm Iron Man and I can tell you for certain that the reason you struck out four times yesterday was because HYDRA put something in your brain."
But even with HYDRA's plan out in the open, MLB will still need a hero. A man willing to be the symbol of courage, honor, and truth. Naturally, I'm talking about David "Captain America" Wright and his Tongue of Patriotism.
So remain ever alert, baseball fans. And the next time you see a blooper, don't laugh, but call for help. And then, yes, go ahead and laugh. Because bloopers remain hilarious.