Giants sign Jeff Samardzija, continue to corner the market on guys who look like actual pirates
Giants add Shark to collection of pirate-lookin' guys
Pending a physical, the Giants have signed former Cubs/Athletics/White Sox free agent pitcher Jeff Samardzija to a five-year, $90 million contract.
Shark will bring his eight seasons of MLB experience to the Bay Area to add to an already impressive rotation headlined by World Series hero Madison Bumgarner. More importantly, though, Samardzija is the latest piece added to the Giants' collection of dudes rocking long, dark almost-mullet haircuts.
Samardzija joins the aforementioned MadBum, Gold Glove Award-winning shortstop Brandon Crawford and two-time NL Cy Young Award-winning pitcher Tim Lincecum (now a free agent) as a band of merry baseballers who have (or should, in Lincecum's case) luscious brown locks spilling out the back of their "SF" caps.
Characters in the Next "Pirates of the Caribbean" Movie
OK, we all know that no one needs to see another "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie, but hear me out. Captain Jack Sparrow ends up marooned on an island where he ventures out into the wilderness in search of provisions (re: rum) and stumbles upon our Giants, who teach him and his crew about the basics of America's pastime.
Together, they start an actual team -- named the Pirates, obviously -- and go on to dominate the International circuit. You'd pay $12 to see that film, especially if it stars MadBum and Co.
Professional Wrestling Stable
Nobody on the planet looks more like one of professional wrestling's Hardy brothers than Crawford. Add three potential long-haired tag team partners and you've got the makings of a stable that could at least compete with the Vaudevillians and Dash and Dawson on NXT.
Their finisher would definitely be called the "1-6-3 Double Play" and it would DEFINITELY incapacitate both of their opponents with a single move.
The best part about being in a grunge band, I imagine, is slinging your long hair back when you change chords when you play your first radio hit at the Grammys. These guys are well equiped to pull that off. Now all they need is a couple of instruments and a garage to practice in.
Comic Book Villains
I'm actually convinced that Lincecum and Loki are the same person.
Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time? I didn't think so. Mickey Rourke even rocked a version of Crawford's 'do in that one Iron Man movie, so that's proof that they're built to challenge the Avengers in, like, the fifth installment of that franchise.