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Facial Hair Watch: Dustin Ackley versus the wooly outdoorsmen

The Pacific Northwest has a long tradition of lumberjacks, trappers and outdoorsmen, most of whom sported thick masks of beard tendrils as hairy guards against the elements. Mariners left fielder Dustin Ackley has grown a tremendously wooly beard of his own during the last two seasons, presumably as a tribute to the region's pioneers of yore.  

So how does Ackley's beard stack up against those flapjack-eating, axe-wielding, rodent-catching legends whose facial hair was grown for both protection and style? Let's find out: 

Ackley vs. Akeley, Minn.'s Paul Bunyan statue: 

Ackley versus Bunyan

(via Wikimedia Commons

With his thick and curly natural hairs, Ackley easily defeats lumberjacking's greatest king in this battle. Bunyan appears to be wearing a giant collection of dreadlocked wigs atop his face, and his blue ox is nowhere to be found.

Ackley vs. legendary woodsman "Grizzly" Adams: 

Dustin Ackley versus James Capen Adams

Sadly, Ackley will never defeat James Capen Adams. That man's beard appears to be growing directly out of a fez and he cavorts across the wilderness in the company of an actual bear. His nickname is "Grizzly" -- how do you even compete with that? 

Ackley vs. the Beard Trimming Chart:

Dustin Ackley vs Chart

(via Library of Congress

This was a tough matchup for Ackley, as he didn't have to defeat one bearded man, he had to fend off fifteen of them. And while Ackley lost on a technical decision, going down 8-7 against an entire platoon of mustaches, beards, and unruly muttonchops, it is a spiritual victory. 

Ackley vs. The Civil War Veteran:

Ackley versus Civil War

(via Library of Congress

While this Civil War veteran must certainly be commended for growing a beard that would work atop Lyle Lovett's head, it is unfortunately not a style befitting the neck and chin area. 

Ackley vs. the first photograph of Abraham Lincoln with facial hair: 

Dustin Ackley versus Lincoln

(via Library of Congress

Here Ackley takes on one of the greatest Presidents and woodsplitters in American history ... or that dude from your English class who won't shut up about Bret Easton Ellis. And while we're certainly not saying that Ackley's facial hair is better than Lincoln's iconic full beard, he can at least beat a President who is experimenting with a goatee.

So, what did we learn? Ackley may not have the greatest of all lumberjackian beards, but he can certainly hold his own against the great outdoorsmen of days gone by. Give it a few more months of growth and Ackley might necessitate a rematch against ol' Grizzly Adams. 

But back to modern times. How does Ackley's beard stack up in the Major Leagues? 

Dustin Ackley Scorecard

While Ackley's performance is solid, he doesn't yet match up to Adam Lind's 9.0. Keep growing, Dustin ... it's a long season.

Read More: Seattle MarinersDustin Ackley