Six reasons why Ross Ohlendorf and his delivery have time traveled from the 1930s
Time travel is supposed to be impossible. Hong Kong physicists have supposedly proved that a photon can not travel faster than the speed of light. But don't tell that to the man with the great windup, Ross Ohlendorf -- because he's traveled to our era from the 1930s.
Outrageous claim, you say? Where's the proof, you ask? Here is all the proof you need.
1. His name
Ross Ohlendorf. Not only do you need to just add a middle initial to Ohlendorf's name to make him sound like the some ruthless railroad baron in a 1920s novel -- Ross J. Ohlendorf, for example -- but his actual full name is Curtis Ross Ohlendorf. Why would he hide his given first name if it wasn't the result of some anomaly from when he was traveling through time?
2. His education background
Ohlendorf attended Princeton University, a school pretty much ripe to be featured in a knockoff Fitzgerald novel. And while you may point out that there are three other active Major Leaguers from the school -- David Hale, Will Venable and the pitcher Chris Young -- the fact that there wasn't one from 1981 until 2004 suggests that perhaps all four of them are time travelers.
3. His research paper
While the topic of Ohlendorf's research paper, "Investing in Prospects: A Look at the Financial Successes of Major League Baseball Rule IV Drafts from 1989 to 1993," is certainly modern, doesn't the name sound like some kind of woodworking manual from before 1900, like "Turning and Mechanical Manipulation Volume 1: Materials, Their Choice, Preparation and Various Modes of Working Them?"
4. His internship
That's right, in 2009 Ohlendorf spent an offseason interning with the Department of Agriculture. And, as was written about at the time (bolded mine):
"Now, Ohlendorf shows up every day at the office for his internship in a kind of throwback to earlier times when baseball players had to supplement their income working offseason jobs."
Sounds like the kind of thing a player who is not from our era would do, doesn't it?
5. His 2014 season
Ohlendorf only pitched 14 2/3 innings in the Minors in 2014, ostensibly because he was dealing with a back issue. But was this simply a convenient excuse that he had to go "Back" from the "Future" at the time? Hmm?
6. His delivery
And finally, the most damning evidence: Ohlendorf's delivery. You see, when Ohlendorf first tried to assimilate to our modern era, he tried to hide himself by using a more modern windup. Here is what it looked like in 2009:
Compare that to now, his arms swinging back and forth like some kind of human perpetual motion device:
Surely, as he began to feel more comfortable and he stopped worrying about Time Cops coming to look for him, he reverted to the old delivery in 2013. Look a little deeper and you'll discover, this isn't merely some throwback, like a band doing their take on '50s rock n' roll, but it's almost identical to Bob Feller's windup:
With Ohlendorf and the Rangers set to take on the Blue Jays in Game 5 at 4 p.m. ET on FS1 on Wednesday, we'll have to hope that he doesn't do any further permanent damage to the timestream.