So Cole Hamels once signed a lifetime contract with the Padres

What's a bigger shock -- that Cole Hamels' real name is Colbert or that the Phillies left-hander signed a Major League contract when he was an infant? Because, you see, both are true.

When Hamels arrived on this planet, his mom was working for the Padres and was good friends with then-GM Andy Strasberg. Mrs. Hamels and Strasberg drew up an actual Padres' "lifetime contract" valued at $1.

As you can see, an infant Colbert Michael Hamels inked the pact. As you can also see, he has the perfect name if Comedy Central ever needs a fill-in on the Colbert Report.