Kale Breaux, Utah Jones and the rest of the best names in the 2015 MLB Draft
"What's in a name? That which we call a draft prospect
By any other name would swing as sweet"
-- "Romeo and Juliet," paraphrased
Scouts, teams and prognosticators far and wide have analyzed this year's Draft class to find the best talents -- including high-profile prospects like Brendan Rodgers and Dillon Tate. But what about the best names of the draft? Which of the hundreds of prospects will sport the best nameplates? Whose names are we dying to hear called?
Last year's draft had Joey Pankake and Handsome Monica. This year has, in no particular order...
Kyle Funkhouser (RHP)
If MLB Pipeline's No. 13 Draft prospect reaches the majors, broadcasters should be contractually required to say, "[Batter] just got taken to the Funk House" each time Kyle strikes someone out. Also, his father Marty will be proud:
Utah Jones (SS)
Utah Jones is a shortstop out of Boone, North Carolina. He shares a name with the protagonist from the U.S. geography-themed spec script I wrote sophomore year -- if only "educational Western" were a more popular genre in Hollywood.
Kale Breaux (LHP)
With the world in the throes of a kale frenzy and the long-established tradition of lampooning so-called bros, I'm actually surprised a "kale bro" meme hasn't arisen (according to a quick Google search, at least.) Regardless, there is no name so perfectly made for our times as Kale Breaux. He is the zeitgeist.
Cornelius Randolph (2B)
Cornelius Randolph is Pipeline's No. 19 Draft prospect, which is pretty impressive for a former business rival of Scrooge McDuck.
A.J. Bumpass (CF)
Bumpass is a center fielder out of Durham, North Carolina.
Al Pesto (RHP), Kyle Garlick (CF) and Christian Turnipseed (RHP)
Perfect for the new Minor League team, the Stars Hollow Spaghetti.
Bryce Only (3B)
Though he is not literally the only Bryce eligible for the Draft this year, think of the possibilities. His personal slogan could be "The one and Only." Or, "There's no one like me." Or, "B.O."
Maybe not that last one.
Rocky McCord (RHP)
In a hypothetical sixth Die Hard film, John McClane learns the true secret of his strength: He is not a human. He is a Pokemon. And, to face his greatest threat yet -- a reanimated Hans Gruber in cahoots with Mewtwo -- McClaine must evolve into his final, most powerful form: Rocky McCord.
Mariano Rivera Jr. (RHP) and Felix Hernandez (CF)
Yes, Rivera is the son of that Mariano Rivera. Felix Hernandez is unrelated to the King, but it isn't every year you have two eligible draftees who share names with two of the best MLB pitchers in recent history.
JK Love (RHP)
It's Love, Just Kidding.
Zac Person (LHP)
It has simply been too long since we've seen the very literal moniker of "Person" on the back of a jersey.
Doak Dozier (LF)
Dozier wins this year's title of "Most enjoyable name to cheer." I can hear the crowds now, chanting "DOOOAAAK, DOOOAAAAK."
Skylar Hunter (RHP)
In the future, when the surface of the Earth becomes overrun with gigantic carnivorous worms and humanity takes to dwelling on hovercrafts, current professions will have to be adapted and new ones created. And when that happens, everyone will know that Sky Hunter lived before his time.
Troy Bacon (RHP)
Hook him up with Joey Pankake and let the two play delicious ball.
Willie Schwanke (3B)
The most delightful sounding name of the Draft.
Zach Taylor (C)
Just like our 12th president. Wherever he gets drafted, he's perfect for MLB's All-Presidential Names team.
Live Draft coverage from MLB Network's Studio 42 begins Monday, June 8 at 7 p.m., with the top 75 picks being streamed on MLB.com and broadcast on MLB Network.