Kyle Schwarber gave us a glimpse into a terrifying future full of catchers hitting triples

On a diamond defined by sheer, unending chaos, where ground balls are swallowed by mud and not even umpires are safe, there were a few constants on which the fan could rely -- the pristine awesomeness of a well-executed bat flip, say, or the fact that one should never, ever try to touch Adrian Beltre's head. But first among these, the rock around which our universe of order and structure orbit, was a simple truth: Catchers are slow.  

Bengie Molina cycles aside (never forget, America), the catcher,  plenty valuable in his own way, was the turtle of the baseball ecosystem. But lo, that was a simpler time, and during the U.S.A.'s 10-1 win in the Futures Game on Sunday, top Cubs prospect Kyle Schwarber announced the dawning of a new era -- one in which catchers can be nicknamed "Hulk" and still move like a freight train, hitting triples like it's no big deal:

Recognizing the inevitable pitcher destruction that would follow Schwarber's plan for baseball domination, his teammates struck back, mounting a guerrilla campaign during his dugout interview. First came Operation: Unnecessary Hats ...

... followed by a nigh-endless barrage of sunflower seeds:

Schwarber would go on to be named the game's MVP, just the latest step on a path to baseball world turned upside-down. Next thing you know, three balls will result in a walk or something.