Five reasons that the Cubs promotion of Javier Baez could bring about the end of the world
Every culture has their own myth about the end of days. The Bible tells of four horseman of the apocalypse. In Norse mythology, there is Ragnaraok, a great battle between the gods submerging the world under water.
Now we can add Javier Baez to that list. The Cubs' prospect, ranked 5th best in baseball by MLB.com's Jonathan Mayo, has impressive range, lightning quick wrists and prodigious, world breaking power. All things that could not only deliver a long sought after World Series to the Cubs, but could also bring about the end of the world.
Why do we say that? Well:
1. The Mark
Just as The Beast is marked with a '666,' Baez is marked with a tattoo of the MLB logo on the back of his neck.
2. Baez has already shown a penchant for destruction, destroying this fan's car with a home run during Spring Training:
Afterwards, Baez didn't show great remorse. Just like he probably won't show much remorse when he hits a home run into the sun, destroying Earth's life-giver:
Sorry about the window, i will pay it if i have to. But just dont park there again. Lol- Javier Báez (@javy23baez) February 22, 2014
3. Baez's home runs could lead to an alien invasion
Javier Baez's home runs are so high, deep and fast, there is legitimate concern that they will soar far into space's infinite depths, eventually drawing the attention of aggressive extraterrestrials who wish to colonize the planet and enslave humanity.
Take this 452-foot shot from this past spring:
We were lucky that the ball didn't connect with a UFO, angering its driver and bringing in unwelcome conversations with extraterrestrial insurance agents. But who can say what will happen the next time Baez smacks one out?
4. He can't be stopped
While Bruce Willis could stop the asteroid in Armaggedeon with a big ole bomb and some help from Steven Tyler, there's no containing Baez. Even in the Futures Game, going up against some of the best talent in the minor leagues, Baez still crushed an opposite field home run on this breaking ball:
During his four home run game in June of 2013, could anyone stop him? (The answer is no.)
Even if NASA somehow devised a plan to contain the player, Baez would do something like this, snatching away the DePowerfying Tranq-Laser or whatever.
5. Javier Baez is a living weapon
Watch Baez's swing. Look at how he coils and explodes. Not only is that swing powerful enough to blast baseballs well beyond the fence, but most scientists agree that he generates enough force to wipe a small town off the map.
And he's only 21. He could only be getting stronger.
Not that we should abandon all hope. Sure, Baez is a human monster whose penchant for destruction of baseballs is already legendary. But just as Superman chose to help humanity rather than enslave it, Baez could be a savior, too.
Perhaps the energy in Baez's swing could one day end humanity's reliance on fossil fuels, creating an alternate power source that will take humankind to the next age of wonders. Perhaps his great blasts will convert baseballs into a nutrient-dense superfood that will end all starvation. Or maybe his play up the middle will end war across the globe as the world's leaders will too busy watching highlights.
At the very least, the Cubs should be happy.