A lifetime supply of samurai swords and four top secret additions to Zack Greinke's D-backs deal
5 secret additions to Greinke's D-backs deal
The Arizona Diamondbacks came remarkably close to shutting down the Internet on Friday night, agreeing to a reported six-year, $206.5 million deal with former Dodgers ace Zack Greinke. The deal gives the D-backs a much-needed No. 1 starter, while also turning the NL West race on its ear and setting a Major League record for a yearly contract value. And now, a look at the current Hot Stove status:
There are plenty of baseball-related reasons for Greinke to take his talents to Arizona: He's already comfortable hitting dingers at Chase Field, for starters, and the D-backs feature America's First Baseman Paul Goldschmidt and secret superstar A.J. Pollock to go along with one of the league's best defenses.
But still, when you're trying to land one of the biggest free agents on the market, a team has to go the extra mile. On-field considerations aren't enough -- it's about creating the total package, making sure a player feels totally at home. So, it's no surprise that Arizona sealed the deal with some added contractual benefits that really speak to Zack Greinke the man. Like, for example ...
Ten tons of free, high quality guacamole
There are many things Zack Greinke enjoys: Flipping bats, for example, and dressing his baby in a banana suit. But if there's one thing he won't stand for, it's his favorite burrito place unreasonably raising the price of guacamole:
Fear not, Zack: The D-backs understand that all men must have a code. And so, to ensure that all your chip-related needs are adequately met, they threw in more guacamole than you know what to do with. Just, you know, try not to add any peas to it.
Minority stake in one (1) Chipotle franchise
But that's not the only Mexican food stipulation in Greinke's new contract. He's got bigger plans than mere baseball domination:
His first order of business: Decreasing the price of guacamole to $1.50.
Highly dangerous? Possibly. Legal on a baseball field? Absolutely not. But no matter how frequently you're able to actually use it, at least 90 percent of the fun of having a samurai sword is in just having a samurai sword. Plus, Greinke promises it's just decorative:
"The Shawshank Redemption" on Blu-Ray
"Wait, that's a near-universally beloved movie," you're thinking, "What's so weird about that?" A fair question. Except, well, Zack Greinke really likes "Shawshank Redemption":
Remember, all who would attempt to write about Zack Greinke: His curveball is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever gives up home runs.
At least five games per year as a position player
Some pitchers merely view their at-bats as an obligation, something to be trudged through as quickly as possible before getting back out on the mound. Zack Greinke is not such a player. He doesn't want to just be a solid hitter "for a pitcher" -- he wants to be a two-way player:
So, in lieu of his bullpen session between starts, Greinke will be penciled into the starting lineup a few times each year. Prepare yourselves, Arizona, for there will be bat flips: