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Major League Baseball should hand out these crazy awards every year

ARLINGTON, TX - AUGUST 07: Bartolo Colon #40 of the Texas Rangers makes the catch for the final out of the sixth inning against Dee Gordon #9 of the Seattle Mariners at Globe Life Park in Arlington on August 7, 2018 in Arlington, Texas. (Photo by Ronald Martinez/Getty Images) (Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)

Welcome to In Short Order, a weekly look at all the baseball that I like and can't stop obsessing over. We'll mostly live at the edges of the game; at the intersection of the weird, the fun and the esoteric. Oh yeah, and hair.
Every year, we celebrate the baseball season's conclusion with special awards. The Most Valuable Player is given to some combination of the league's best and most impactful player; the Cy Young Award is for the best hurler; the Rookie of the Year honors the season's best baseball baby.
Those are all great, but they don't go far enough. These are the new awards baseball should adopt: