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Who is the best big league player at every position?

TORONTO, ON - MAY 24: Mike Trout #27 of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim is congratulated by teammates in the dugout after hitting a solo home run in the fifth inning during MLB game action against the Toronto Blue Jays at Rogers Centre on May 24, 2018 in Toronto, Canada. (Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images) (Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)

Welcome to In Short Order, a weekly look at all the baseball that I like and can't stop obsessing over. We'll mostly live at the edges of the game; at the intersection of the weird, the fun and the esoteric. Oh yeah, and hair.
Mike Trout is the best player in the game, bar none. Max Scherzer has taken the title of best pitcher this season -- though it's by slim margins. And with the All-Star Game fast approaching, there's good reason to ask yourself: Who is the best player at every position? 
But unlike the All-Star Game, which celebrates the best first-half performances, the best player at every position is a little harder to nail down. To help, let's use the classic "Space Jam" scenario: If aliens reached the planet and challenged us to a baseball game, with the winner getting to live on Earth, who do you pick? There's no room for future upside or to consider cold streaks -- it's who is the best, full stop. 
This is the Earth-saving starting nine: 

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