Which active MLB player could steal the Declaration of Independence?
Welcome to the Cut4 Roundtable -- a place for our staff to gather and have an informal discussion about some of the biggest stories in baseball. You can join the conversation by tweeting us @Cut4.
Happy Fourth of July! On this day in 1776, a group of radicals gathered together in Philadelphia to sign the Declaration of Independence.
Then, in 2004, Nicolas Cage stole it.
That got us thinking: On this, America's birthday, which baseball player has the wits, the strength and the heart to follow in Cage's footsteps and steal a founding document?
Andrew Mearns: Let's get the obvious pick out of the way first:
Michael Clair: You're wrong, and here's why: His name is Jon Jay, so they'd already be looking out for him.
My answer is a two-man team of
Jake Mintz: If Jon Jay's gonna steal anything, it's going to be an H for his first name.
Andrew: Maybe he dropped it to avoid suspicion.
Jake: Thinking ahead!
Andrew: The perfect crime.
Dakota Gardner: So, while I admire Michael's idea that the perfect thief is one who is unassuming, I'm going the opposite way. I think the perfect person to steal the Declaration of Independence is someone who will absolutely stick out. But, I think he'll have an incredible cover story for the crime.
Picture this: America's foremost expert in legal jurisprudence needs to examine our country's founding document to gain a better understanding of the rule of law. I'm talking about, of course,
Why should it be in the National Archives when it could be where it truly belongs: Monument Park.
Chris Landers: I'm concerned about what exactly Dakota thinks is stored in Monument Park. Although I do like this plan because really, once Judge is in possession of it, is anyone going to want to come and take it from Giancarlo and him?
Andrew: Absolutely not.
Matthew Monagan: That's not better than 28 rings though.
Chris: Maybe the back of the Declaration contains the map to the 28th ring.
Matthew: Ohhh, I like the map idea.
Jordan Shusterman: Document Park is way lamer than Monument Park, but I still like Dakota's theory.
Jake: How many amendments? 27. How many rings? 27.
Chris: I will never unsee this.
Jake: I am Nic Cage.
Chris: This also means that America is literally the House That Ruth Built.
Michael: So are you saying for the Yankees to win another World Series, we have to pass a constitutional amendment?
Andrew: Now I understand why the Red Sox hired Tony La Russa. He has a law degree.
Matthew: And he has a bunch of rings.
Dakota: Does anyone else have an idea of another player who could pull off this heist?
Jake: I think we need to think through what it takes to steal the Declaration. It takes athleticism, a knowledge of history, smarts, a strong support team and an under-the-radar aura.
Therefore my answer is...
Dakota: What? Why?
Jake: His wife used to be a diplomat in the state department so maybe she has access to government buildings to help him. (Remember, Nic Cage didn't do this on his own, he had Dr. Abigail Chase alongside him.) He's pretty fast so he can get away in a jiffy if needed. He was a political science major at Stanford so he knows all the clues and stuff.
Andrew: This is quite compelling.
Chris: What if the Declaration has already been stolen by Jed Lowrie? And this explains his breakout season?
Matthew: But, guys wait. You know who's also having a breakout year and actually KNOWS Nic Cage?
Matthew: And he's been following Nic Cage's every move -- literally learning English from his movies.
Jake: He even invited Nic out to the Puerto Rico Series.
Chris: Official Heist Consultant.
Jake: I'm convinced. I think Eduardo Escobar is the best option. I think having Lowrie as his "Riley" is a good move, too.
Chris: Which begs the question: Who's the Sean Bean in this scenario?
Michael: Billy. Beane.
Andrew: Honestly, though -- who could steal the Declaration of Independence? The real answer is probably Juan Soto, because he plays so close to it and I'm convinced at this point that he could do anything he wants.
Dakota: I agree with that.
Chris: Fun fact: Juan Soto actually hit a dinger so hard it went back in time and signed the actual Declaration.