Look on in fear as Brett Lawrie is a brand new kind of vampire: The 'Canadian vampire'
The history of vampires is long and terrifying. As defined by Vampedia, obviously the source for such things, there are at least 15 varieties of vampires. These range from the Strigoi, which is the the traditional Romanian vampire, the Tiyanak, a half-vampire/half-zombie mix from the Philippines and the Blood Dragons, which is clearly the name of my new band.
This baseball season, we've discovered a whole new breed of vampire: The "Canadian vampire," a term coined by White Sox broadcaster Jason Benetti while discussing Brett Lawrie and his mouthguard filled with fangs. At least, we think it's a mouthguard.
Though we don't know what caused the transformation, it's obviously fitting -- especially now that he dons the black-and-white uni of the White Sox, a look that Vlad himself would wear. And, when Lawrie is rocking the goggles, he looks primed to star in an "Underworld" sequel.
Just what defines a "Canadian vampire," you ask? Well, like most varieties, they appear to have heightened strength and agility -- if Lawrie's .879 OPS entering Thursday (or mini golf skills) prove anything. Lawrie also does his best work at night, his OPS is nearly 60 points higher when the sun goes down. However, instead of blood, he appears to subsist on fruit-flavored candy. Which is the kind of vampire we can all get behind.
Been a while and hard to find "Tropical" @Skittles anyway to get some help 😁😁😁😁😁
— Mr.Lawrie (La 🧀) (@blawrie13) May 5, 2016
Given Lawrie's new status as creature of the night, may we suggest that he change his walk-up music to this:
