The Reds have a monstrous, triple-barreled T-shirt cannon straight out of hell
I don't know why I didn't know about this. I watch baseball every day and night like it's my job. It is my job. I'm bad at my job.
But since 2017, the Cincinnati Reds have had a T-shirt launching machine forged in the fires of hell. Seriously, look at this thing go.
Favorite part of Reds games. REDZILLA— Evan Dennison (@EvanDennison1) June 30, 2019
Maybe the best t-shirt cannon in the MLB. pic.twitter.com/6wriEwWh70
It's something out of Twisted Metal. Like some robot battle royale is about to start.
According to this account, the machine is "fueled by 160 pounds of CO2 and generates nearly 1,000 PSI." I'm not sure what any of that means, but it sounds impressive. The Redzilla also has 57 barrels and "is capable of firing up to 171 soft baseballs or 114 T-shirts into the upper decks of the ballpark."
That's right, no more sitting sadly in the upper level as people with better seats and more money also get free T-shirts.
There's finally a cannon that can reach you. You can go home with a Mr. Redlegs or Mountie Joey Votto shirt.
Maybe the Redzilla can launch clothing across the nearby Ohio River into Kentucky. People will camp out on the banks of the mighty Ohio, watching, waiting, for their Gapper tube tops. Peanuts can be shot from one side of the stadium to another. Asteroids can be blown up. Lives can be saved.
The Redzilla is the greatest, most powerful invention of our time. We must protect it at all costs.
Matt Monagan is a writer for MLB.com.