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Usain Bolt has signed with the Mariners -- no, sadly, not those Mariners

If you woke up on Sunday morning and decided to take a quick scroll through some sports headlines, there's a chance you were greeted with the following:

Bolt

 Alas, pick your jaw up off the floor, we have some bad news: No, Usain Bolt did not sign with the Seattle Mariners. He signed with the Central Coast Mariners, a soccer team in Australia's A-League, as he continues his shockingly successful attempt to become a two-sport star. Which means we'll all have to wait a little longer to realize our dream of watching Bolt become the greatest designated runner in baseball history.