Which Major Leaguers are most likely to survive a 'Bird Box' style, post-apocalyptic world
If you've spent any time on the internet machine over the last few weeks, you may have noticed quite a bit of chatter about a movie named 'Bird Box'. The premise is simple: In a post-apocalyptic world, an omnipotent supernatural entity causes almost instantaneous death if a person ventures into the outside world with their eyes open. Thus, most of the movie consists of Sandra Bullock's character, her companions and her children trying to make their way through the dangerous landscape to safety, blindfolded.
With the movie taking over the internet one meme at a time, we thought it would be fun to think about which MLB players would have the best chance at survival if they found themselves in the world of 'Bird Box'.
from Bird Box GIFsvia Gfycat
The key to staying safe in 'Bird Box' is being able to maneuver in space and complete difficult tasks without looking. Grichuk's extraordinarily bizzare no-look grab back in May shows that the Blue Jays outfielder doesn't actually need to see what he's doing to get the job done.
In any post-apocalyptic wasteland it's absolutely crucial to be stocked up on food, and 'Bird Box' is no different -- the scene in which the characters journey to the local supermarket is one of the most tense parts of the movie.
Rizzo showed an incredible amount of preparedness back in 2015 when he brought a huge bag of orange slices into the dugout for his teammates. Perhaps Rizzo has an enormous secret stash of oranges somewhere, something that would definitely come in handy in a world where access to food is at a premium.
Pena hasn't played in the big leagues since 2014 and nowadays spends his days dishing out takes on MLB Network, but he's still a prime candidate for our 'Bird Box' discussion because...
He hit a baseball blindfolded! With that type of preternatural feel for physics, he'd surely be able to thrive in a sightless world.
Swisher's upbeat attitude would surely be a boon to morale in such trying times, but it's his boating skills that make him a particularly valuable asset in 'Bird Box'.
So much of the film is centered around Sandra Bullock and her children boating their way down a river blindfolded, so a confident and experienced kayaker like Swish around would surely help out with nautical navigation.
Similar to how dogs can sense when an earthquake is coming, birds play a crucial role in 'Bird Box' by chirping up a storm whenever danger is afoot. Bullock's character carries a box of birds around with her (see: title of movie) as a kind of aviary alarm system.
So in a world where proximity to and a deep connection with birds is extremely helpful, who better to have around than Paxton, MLB's foremost eagle magnet?
Guy you wouldn't want around: Randy Johnson
If you want Paxton around because he's got a great relationship with birds, then you don't want The Big Unit anywhere nearby in a 'Bird Box' world.