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Pursue your dreams as passionately as these pitchers swing the bat

Texas Rangers starting pitcher Bartolo Colon salutes a teammate as he walks to the dugout during a baseball game against the Seattle Mariners, Wednesday, May 16, 2018, in Seattle. (AP Photo/Ted S. Warren) (Ted S. Warren/AP)

We've hit late September, and naturally, things are tight. Every day brings a new game with postseason implications, full of dramatic dingers and harrowing escapes. It's tremendous, but it's also ... extremely stressful.  
So, before the pennant race reaches its conclusion, we wanted spotlight one last regular season eccentricity: Pitchers swinging very, very poorly. Because if anything can help you locate your zen, it's a Bartolo Colon plate appearance.
Dellin Betances
Betances hadn't swung a bat in a game since high school, but that didn't stop him from going big -- and channeling some Gary Sheffield bat waggle:

Masahiro Tanaka
There's an unspoken pact between pitchers that, when facing their counterpart at the plate, they'll take it a little easy and stick to fastballs. So you can forgive Tanaka for thinking that this Gio Gonzalez offering would keep going straight:

Cardinals Minor Leaguer Conner Greene
At last, an answer to the philosophical query, "If, after years of dreaming and hard work, you finally got the chance to hit in a professional game, just how hard would you swing?"

Bartolo Colon
No list like this could be complete without a little Bartolo -- even if he's in the AL now:

Freddy Peralta
Of course, Bartolo isn't the only one in danger of losing his helmet:

José Ureña
Forcing other pitchers to try to hit Chris Sale's slider should be illegal:

Mike Foltynewicz
Folty's turned himself into an NL Cy Young dark horse this season. But even more importantly, he's among the game's most amusing at-bats. It's as though he's crafting an interpretation of a Mission Impossible helicopter chase:

Chris Archer
Sometimes you just need to lie down: