TrueSport: October 2020

How to raise upstanders (instead of bystanders)

As young athletes navigate through adolescence, they may run into situations that challenge their moral compass. Whether your athlete is faced with an ethical dilemma in school, in sport, or in the community, doing the right thing is important – no matter who is watching.

In a study about young children and the bystander effect, results showed that although children are typically extremely helpful to others in need, they are more inclined to assist others only when the responsibility is clearly attributed to them. Children were less likely to help when there were other potential helpers around because there was a diffusion of responsibility.

Here are five strategies to help your athletes become upstanders instead of bystanders in those complex times when their sense of responsibility and decision-making skills are tested.

Reinforce positive behaviors

Kids can learn about caring, fairness, and how to lead an ethical life from the people around them, so it’s up to adults to lead by example when it comes to intervening in a situation where someone needs help.

“One of the simplest ways to help kids learn new behaviors is to reinforce them as they happen,” explains Michelle Borba, PhD, an internationally recognized character education expert, educational psychologist, and award-winning author of 22 parenting books.

“Purposely catch your child acting morally and acknowledge their good behavior by describing what they did right and why you appreciate it.”

Teach them to become active bystanders

According to the Safety Net Coalition at Loyola University in Chicago, an active bystander is someone who not only witnesses a situation, but takes action to keep a situation from escalating or to disrupt a problematic situation.

When kids decide to speak up on another person’s behalf, it takes courage. Sitting in silence when you recognize someone is being hurt can also be devastating and fill your child with guilt after the incident.

Teach your athlete how to become action-oriented and assertive when it comes to situations that are unjust in their eyes. For example, if your athlete sees a teammate taunting an athlete on an opposing team, encourage them to be an upstander and leader by taking action to stop the bullying, whether it’s by helping the target walk away, telling an adult, or another method.

Expand your child’s circle of concern

Another way to raise upstanders is to expand their circle of concern. By teaching your young athlete to show care and concern to a wider network of people, you’re teaching them that their decisions have an impact on others in their community.

Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Making Care Common Project encourages parents to “cultivate children’s concern for others because it’s fundamentally the right thing to do, and also because when children can empathize with and take responsibility for others, they’re likely to be happier and more successful.”

So, the next time your child is debating whether they should invite one of their teammates or classmates to their birthday party, for example, ask them to put themselves in the other person’s shoes and how they would feel if they didn’t get an invite to a party that everyone else was invited to.

Practice kindness and empathy

Empathy creates compassion for other people’s perspectives.

In her book, Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, Borba shares, “Empathy can be instilled, and it is composed of teachable habits that can be developed, practiced, and lived. Empathy is what lays the foundation for helping children live one essential truth: We are all humans who share the same fears and concerns and deserve to be treated with dignity.”

When your athlete is regularly exposed to kindness and empathy, they grow both socially and emotionally. So, whether your athlete is having a tough time with a teammate’s attitude or they’re struggling with the coach’s decision to bench them for a game, acknowledge what they’re feeling and continue to encourage them to look at the situation from another perspective.

Create a positive, caring family motto

Borba also recommends that parents develop a family mantra. “Ask your child, ‘What do I stand for in this house? What really makes the difference in this house? What do you think is important to me in this house?’”

Borba adds that “You’ll begin to hear the kinds of values that your child thinks are important. Then, you can come up with some fun, memorable motto.”

As your athlete lives out your new motto, they will begin to internalize that positivity, which will soon be reflected in school, on the field, and in situations when it matters most.

______

Most parents hope to raise kids who play by the rules, are brave enough to stand up for what is right, and who make sure that everyone is treated fairly, equally, and honestly.

These strategies will encourage your athlete to help others as they foster their sense of personal responsibility.

Trauma-informed approach: What drives bullying behaviors?

When it comes to dealing with misbehavior on your team, it can be tempting to label kids as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and ‘bullies’ or ‘victims.’ But rarely is real life that simple, and more often than not, bullying behaviors are driven by a need that a child has that’s not being met.

Yes, you should step in to help the athlete who’s being antagonized by a teammate. But as a coach or a parent, you should also look beyond that specific incident to try to understand and ultimately root out bullying behaviors that exist within the team.

Nadia Kyba, MSW, TrueSport Expert and President of Now What Facilitation, explains how to talk about bullying and apply the ‘trauma-informed approach’ to bring your team closer together.

Take a trauma-informed approach

Based on her background in social work, Kyba recommends that coaches and parents address bullying behaviors through a trauma-informed approach, which focuses on an athlete’s background and the ‘why’ of their behaviors.

“It means thinking about what happened to a child, rather than what’s wrong with them,” she explains. “After an incident, think about why the athlete is exhibiting those behaviors. Think about them in the context of a whole person rather than just an athlete on a team.”

With this approach, you may be able to identify triggers behind misbehavior. “Usually kids who have experienced trauma have grown up in really unpredictable situations,” Kyba says. "One of the ways they establish predictability in their own lives is through bullying type behaviors.”

For example, having a practice go 15 minutes late may lead an athlete to act aggressively or talk back to the coach, but upon further inspection, you may realize that even something as small as an extended practice represents unpredictability and could trigger negative behaviors. Seek to understand, rather than to instantly punish. The better you can understand the needs of your athletes, the less behavioral issues you’re likely to encounter.

Get specific

“There are so many shades of bullying,” Kyba explains. “And it can be counterproductive to describe a kid who’s making fun of someone the same way you’d describe a kid who’s shoving a teammate up against lockers. When I hear that someone is bullying, I want to know the actual behaviors."

Breaking down behavior like this makes it easier to work through the problem with each athlete and create new rules for the team as a whole. “It leads toward actual conflict resolution instead of just punishing the kid,” Kyba notes. "You’re also removing the automatic stigma that comes with the label of ‘bully.’”

Avoid labels and biases

Labeling children as any one thing can be extremely problematic. If you label a child on the team as a bully, for example, now that child will automatically be the guilty party in any conflict.

“I think we use the label ‘bully’ because it simplifies really complicated situations,” says Kyba. “When there's a bully on a team, then it's easy for the coach to fix the problem by eliminating or targeting the bully. But that rarely works.”

Similarly, it’s important to avoid assumptions as to who the ‘problem kids’ on the team will be based on our inherent biases from on our own school experience and past traumas. “It’s easy to end up accidentally thinking 'Oh, it's the kid who always dresses this certain way,’ or ‘the scary-looking kid,’ or get into stereotypes around race and gender as well,” warns Kyba. Focus on your athletes’ actions, not on labeling them.

Be predictable

In keeping with the trauma-led approach, predictability is one of the best ways to combat the feelings of anxiety that often contribute to bullying behaviors brought on by past traumas. “Every child needs a stable adult in their lives, and for some, that may be their coach,” says Kyba. “The best thing you can do for your athletes is give them a sense of predictability.”

“Set transparent expectations for the entire team and have clear consequences for rule-breaking. Don’t single out kids with problem behavior. And as much as possible, set definite finish times for practice and a structure for all aspects of team participation."

Identify the positive

While coaches are often kept busy trying to deal with negative behaviors on the team, it’s equally important to identify and encourage athletes’ positive behaviors when they do happen. Too often, good behavior is overlooked, but for an athlete who’s struggling and continually reprimanded, praise for doing something right can make a huge difference.

“It’s so important to identify the positives, especially with the kids who often get called out for the negatives,” Kyba says. “Give them opportunities to lead as a way to potentially channel that negative behavior into some positive. A lot of the time, the so-called bullies are also the natural leaders on the team, whether they mean to be or not.”

Takeaway

While immediately addressing bullying behaviors is always step one, it’s also important for coaches and parents to further support individual athletes and foster healthier teams by understanding the triggers behind those behaviors.

Hidden resilience: How to build a team

Have you ever considered the possibility that the behaviors you find most aggravating within your team might be undercover superpowers?

While we know resiliency is one’s ability to overcome adversity, it’s also important to recognize hidden resilience, which is the ability to overcome adversity using behaviors that are not always viewed as positive. Searching for hidden resilience means taking traditionally ‘bad behaviors’ and figuring out how to flip them to find a positive skill.

Nadia Kyba, MSW, TrueSport Expert and President of Now What Facilitation, gives the example of a player who’s always calling others out for things they’re doing wrong. While the habit may be negatively received by their teammates, the athlete might actually have the makings of a good coaching assistant if those critiques could be channeled positively.

According to Kyba, there is often some hidden resilience behind bullying-type behaviors. But how can you help shift those problematic behaviors to more positive ones?

1. Look beyond the surface

Bullying behaviors are obviously not acceptable on a team, but don’t stop at simply shutting it down. Try to understand what is causing the behavior.

"Some of the reasons an athlete might be bullying others is because they're looking for a chance to be accepted and have meaningful participation, or they're looking for self-determination,” says Kyba. "They want to take charge of what happens to them, so they're creating those outcomes for themselves by bullying other people.” That kind of hidden resilience is a protection mechanism, often hiding a fear of failure or embarrassment.

2. Remember kids are smarter than you think

“If a child can anticipate an outcome, even if it's going to be a negative outcome, they may do that thing because at least there is predictability,” says Kyba. For example, if a child is extremely nervous about the outcome of a big game, they may actively try to talk back during practice or show up late in order to guarantee they get benched.

If you can talk to an athlete who you suspect is using that kind of behavior to avoid feelings of vulnerability, you may be able to help them set and manage new expectations, and give them new tools for developing as an athlete and a human.

3. Consider past traumas

Kyba often refers to a trauma-informed approach, which means that coaches look beyond how an athlete is currently behaving and seek to understand what happened to them in the past to cause those behaviors. This approach can help you understand how and why an athlete is using his or her hidden resilience as a tool.

“Rather than thinking, ‘Oh, he’s just being lazy by showing up late to practice,’ say, ‘I know he’s being resilient. He’s had some adversity and he's overcoming it by setting his own schedule to feel in control.’ This shift—whether you’re accurately assessing the situation or not—helps you feel a level of empathy for the athlete that you may not have had before, which may make it easier to have a conversation with the student." With this empathy, it’s also easier to move to the next stage, where you work to help them to channel their behavior more proactively.

4. Turn the negative to a positive

Often, it’s hard for young athletes to see themselves clearly, and most of the motivators behind hidden resilience won’t be understood by the athlete. But as an adult, you can see how an athlete can tap into that reserve of resilience and channel it in more positive ways.

Kyba explains, “Often, you have to give the athlete a substitute for the problem behavior. Explain that instead of being the ‘loud kid’ on the team, they can be the leader on the team. Instead of acting out to get banned from the game, they can do some extra practice sessions and visualization exercises to feel more prepared.”

5. Normalize team conversations

Communication, done early and often, can solve most problems before they start. “Having regular team meetings is incredibly important,” Kyba says. “Let athletes voice their concerns without fear of reprisal. Talk about if there are conflicts happening, discuss team guidelines, leave the floor open for athletes to talk about areas where they’re not happy.” If you can normalize these meetings early on in the season, it becomes easier to have honest, open conversations.

Takeaway

An athlete’s past experiences and traumas, however small, may significantly impact their behaviors in many settings, including sport. While these behaviors may be problematic, and even include bullying behaviors, it’s important to recognize the hidden resilience behind them and help the athlete channel that strength into more positive actions.

Top five foods to boost your athlete's mind

If your young athletes seem moody, there are hundreds of potential causes, from stress at school to pre-game nerves to a fight with a friend. One way to help boost your athlete’s mood naturally -- no supplements required -- is through diet. Of course, not every problem can be solved with a snack, and these foods can’t take the place of medical or psychological help in certain cases, but a dietary check-in might make a major difference for standard moodiness.

Consider adding these food groups to your athlete’s diet for a simple mood boost.

Omega-3s

Many people know that Omega-3 fatty acids are critical to brain health and development, but it may be surprising to know that they can also potentially help lower levels of depression. In one study, consuming fatty fish like salmon -- one of the top sources for Omega-3s -- was shown to reduce symptoms of depression. Omega-3s can also be found in nuts, including walnuts, flaxseed and chia, so sneaking a teaspoon of chia or flax into a smoothie or salad dressing might be best for picky eaters. And don’t skip the yolks when scrambling eggs: The fat found in the yolk of free-range eggs is high in Omega-3s and other mood-boosting micronutrients.

Fermented foods

In recent years, research has shown a direct link between a happy gut and a happy brain. To build a healthy gut microbiome -- including the bacteria that help break down food and keep your body running the way it’s supposed to -- it’s important to keep a high level of good bacteria in the gut. Probiotics have become more popular in the last few years, but you can save money and add serious flavor to any meal by adding fermented foods that are naturally packed with good gut bacteria. Add a scoop of kimchi or sauerkraut at dinner, mix kefir or yogurt into a smoothie, or swap a sparkling water for kombucha to add probiotic-rich foods to your athlete’s diet.

Tryptophan-containing foods

The micronutrient tryptophan is key to production of serotonin, a feel-good hormone in the brain. It can be found in egg yolks, as well as most nuts, including almonds, cashews, and walnuts. It’s also in sesame, pumpkin, and sunflower seeds. Certain nuts, such as almonds, also provide other key micronutrients for optimal brain function, like selenium.

High-fiber foods

Like probiotics, fiber-rich foods help keep the gut in balance by feeding those good bacteria and helping ‘clean out’ the digestive tract. Short-chain fatty acids are created in the gut by good bacteria when they’re being fed enough fiber, and one study showed that those short-chain fatty acids might help decrease stress and anxiety. You don’t need a supplement to add fiber, just pack your athlete’s diet with plenty of fruits and vegetables.

Breakfast

When your athlete is racing for the bus or sprinting to an early practice, breakfast is often an afterthought. The meal gets skipped entirely or become ultra-processed and high in sugar. And while chowing down on ultra-processed snacks will cause an immediate spike in blood sugar that may temporarily boost your athlete’s mood, the crash that will come afterwards will send them right back to being grumpy.

Meanwhile, eating a good-quality breakfast has been shown to improve quality of life and decrease rates of stress and depression in adolescents. Focus on providing a breakfast that’s rich in protein and complex carbohydrates: Whether your athlete slurps a smoothie on the go or sits down to an egg-and-veggie scramble, their day will be smoother as a result.

Takeaway

Not all of your athlete’s emotional turbulence can be solved by good nutrition, but there are some foods that may help boost their mood while also keeping them sport-ready.