Globe iconLogin iconRecap iconSearch iconTickets icon

The Colorado Rockies have harnessed the power of lightning and we're all doomed

I don't know what else this photo could mean. Look at it.

Sorry, Dodgers. Cancel your season. Good try, D-backs. See you next year. Valiant effort, Twins, but you picked the wrong season to be really good.

The Colorado Rockies, in the thick of the NL Wild Card race, have harnessed the power of lightning. It happened over the weekend. The world's most awesome source of energy and power is theirs. Their depth chart is now Nolan Arenado, Charlie Blackmon, Trevor Story and LIGHTNING.

Nobody can compete. It's like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters, or Frankenstein, or Thor.

It's no surprise this has happened at Coors Field -- already located a mile high in the sky. There's always weird weather happening there. Maybe these "annual science days" have actually been attempts at absorbing the terror of thunderstorms.

I don't know. I don't know much about science or the earth. But I've seen all the movies. I know how this ends. The Rockies will win the World Series and then they'll come for us.

They'll come for our families, our homes, our livelihoods, our entire world. And our new king will be an unforgiving purple dinosaur, watching every single breath we take.