Wait, I'm sorry, the Phillie Phanatic is supposed to be a bird?
The human brain is asked to do a lot every day. It has to keep your heart beating, your lungs expanding, your body operating, all while letting you debate this week's "The Bachelor" and remembering the time you got rejected in middle school.
But I'm sorry to say that the super computer in your head has finally met its match. Something so reality-bending that it will have no choice but to simply shut down forever: The Phillie Phanatic is a bird.
I'm sorry, but what?
To clarify: This is a bird.
This is a bird:
Even this is a bird:
But the Phanatic? A bird? How in the heck does that make sense?
Now, granted, I'm not a scientist or someone versed in bird law, but let's run through my quick bird checklist:
Can he fly? No, he drives.
Does he have feathers? No, like Bigfoot or Robin Williams, he's covered in a fine layer of fur.
Well, he certainly has a beak, right? Yeah, if by beak you mean an orb that is either his nose or a portal to another realm.
Wings? No, those appendages are arms. The dude is a pugilist.
Stick-like bird legs? His legs are furry tree trunks.
Seriously, how did this track for someone? I know that dinosaurs are basically birds, but these tremendous thunder lizards have more in common with birds than the Phanatic. If anything, the Phanatic is closer to Peter Gallagher (and Peter Gallagher's eyebrows) than a bird. Does that mean the Phanatic is Peter Gallagher? (Wait, is there something to this?)
Sadly, in the face of all logic and reason, it appears that he is not in fact the dad from the O.C. Jayson Stark recently spent a day with him, and multiple sources have confirmed: He's a bird. Wikipedia, the source of all known information in the world, agrees. The Phanatic hails from the Galapagos, we're told, a place that is very famously full of birds, and we're just supposed to take that at face value as a thing that makes sense.
"But if Darwin taught us anything, it's that the place is also a stew of evolution!" you say. "There are plenty of things there that aren't birds!"
Alas, but those things are not the Phanatic.
My brain hurts trying to accept this information. Words are now meaningless. The Phanatic is a bird. I hope this information didn't ruin your day.
Michael Clair writes about baseball for Cut4. He believes stirrup socks are an integral part of every formal outfit and Adam Dunn's pitching performance was baseball's greatest moment.