This is not a time for small helpings, folks. If you’re like me and went for that second, third or fourth(?) plate loaded with turkey and stuffing (no vegetables, that’s gross), then surely you can join me in appreciating an unhealthy helping of fake trade ideas.

Every year on this day, I dream up blockbuster deals. Which means every year on this day, I am flooded with e-mails and social media reactions about how moronic I am. That’s the cost of dreaming big, and it’s one I’m willing to pay (thank you, mute button).

What follows are not small swap proposals. These are bigger barters involving Major Leaguers going both ways. Because that’s where the fun is.

So let’s once again fake a deal!

(All prospect rankings come from MLB Pipeline.)

1) From north of the border to the North Side
Cubs get: 1B Vladimir Guerrero Jr., RHP Kevin Gausman
Blue Jays get: 1B Michael Busch, OF Cody Bellinger, RHP Cade Horton (Cubs’ No. 3 prospect), RHP Jaxon Wiggins (Cubs’ No. 10 prospect), cash

After the Blue Jays missed out on Shohei Ohtani last winter and had yet another disappointing season, your guess is as good as mine what happens next. Do they actually get Juan Soto to take their Canadian dollars? And if not, do they get Guerrero to sign an extension? Or do they do both? Or do they do neither? Guerrero is essentially the same age as Soto and might be every bit as keen on testing the open market next winter, especially after unlocking his potential in the second half of 2024.

My job here is to trade people, so let’s just assume for a moment that Toronto’s best course of action is to make the most of Guerrero’s value before he possibly bolts. This trade sends him to a Cubs club that lacks star power and offensive thump in the middle of the order and will have the ability to retain him long-term. Manager Craig Counsell said late last season that the Cubs “should be trying to build 90-win teams here,” and Guerrero helps them do exactly that. In this trade, Chicago would also net Gausman, who is coming off a down year but is an All-Star-caliber arm who had a 2.90 ERA from July through the end of the season and is under contract for another two years.

The Blue Jays get back two immediate lineup pieces and a top pitching prospect with the potential to reach the bigs in 2025. Busch was one of the few positives from a frustrating 2024 (118 OPS+ and 2.8 bWAR after coming over from the Dodgers). The Blue Jays would enjoy his positional flexibility (he’s played first, second, third and left field in the big leagues) and long-term contractual control (he’s not arbitration eligible until after 2026). Taking on Bellinger’s $27.5 million salary while sending Guerrero’s arbitration cost to Chicago is essentially a wash, though I think the Cubs would have to fork over some of that Bellinger money in this particular deal. The Jays also get Horton, the No. 42 prospect in all of MLB and seventh overall pick in the 2022 Draft. His 2024 was cut short by a lat strain, but he could be knocking on the door after dominating at the Double-A level early this year. Wiggins pads out the package for Toronto as a high-upside arm whose command issues eventually lead to the bullpen.

2) Knitting together a Crochet trade
Red Sox get: LHP Garrett Crochet
White Sox get: 1B Triston Casas, OF Braden Montgomery (Boston’s No. 5 prospect), SS Yoeilin Cespedes (No. 7), RHP David Sandlin (No. 10)

There’s just something so satisfying about Sox swaps. And though a trade between a contender and a rebuilder is typically built entirely around prospects, Casas is young (24) enough and far enough away from free agency (eligible after 2028), while still having displayed verifiable big league ability, that he would make sense as a centerpiece of Chicago’s trade return for their ace Crochet.

Casas missed much of last season with a rib cartilage tear, but he’s shown 40-homer potential, and the Sox could sure use that (among other things). This trade also nets them three of Boston’s top 10 prospects (including Montgomery, who ranks No. 54 overall on MLB Pipeline’s Top 100) to amplify a system in need and a Cespedes for the rest of us (no relation to that other Cespedes who once played for the Red Sox).

As for the Red Sox, with Crochet they fill an obvious need for an ace while protecting their absolute best prospects, and they can find a shorter-term solution at first base before eventually shifting star Rafael Devers there in the not-too-distant future.

It was just eight years ago that the Red Sox acquired a hard-throwing lanky lefty from the White Sox for a package of prospects around this time of year. And two years later, Chris Sale helped Boston win a World Series. Could history repeat itself?

3) Nayl’d it!
D-backs get: 1B Josh Naylor
Guardians get: LHP Jordan Montgomery, 3B Gino Groover (D-backs’ No. 9 prospect), cash

Naylor, an All-Star in 2024 who cranked out 31 homers and 27 doubles, is a free agent at season’s end and might not fit Cleveland’s long-term plans now that Kyle Manzardo is up. Montgomery, a very good pitcher coming off a very bad year, will also be a free agent post-2025 after picking up the $22.5 million player option on a contract that D-backs owner Ken Kendrick called “horrible.” The awkwardness in Arizona could be an opportunity for a club to buy low on Montgomery, and, as we’ve seen time and again, Cleveland is as good a landing spot as any for a pitcher looking to maximize his talents.

So in this trade, the D-backs get a replacement for Christian Walker, who might leave in free agency. They eat some of that Montgomery contract, throw in a prospect (I picked Groover only because that’s too awesome a name to not include in this column) and -- boom -- the awkwardness is over! Everybody happy now?

4) A Martian on the move
Yankees get: CF Luis Robert Jr., LHP Jake Eder (Chicago’s No. 22 prospect)
White Sox get: OF Jasson Domínguez (Yankees’ No. 1 prospect)

The Yankees need to get Aaron Judge out of center field, but this free-agent market is especially weak in that area. So let’s talk trade, because the White Sox are certainly open to that.

Robert is coming off a blah 2024 (87 OPS+, 1.4 bWAR) but in his defense, he was out with a hip issue for a good chunk of it and, ultimately, he was a member of the 2024 White Sox. That could bring anybody down. He’s still a high-impact talent in his prime years (entering his age-27 season). And he’s got pop, which the Yankees could use … all the more if they don’t re-sign Soto. Robert is guaranteed $15 million in 2025, with separate $20 million team options for 2026 and 2027.

If Soto’s gone, this trade allows Judge to return to right, and the Yankees are in the market for a left fielder (Alex Verdugo again?). If Soto returns, maybe he goes to left (though I don’t love that in Yankee Stadium)? Maybe Judge goes to first base? Look, I’m not here to answer every question, I’m just trying to solve the obvious issue of having your soon-to-be-33-year-old, 6-foot-7, 282-pound MVP beating himself up in center field.

The Sox give up a star to bring in “The Martian,” who technically meets my “big league requirement in these deals by having seen time in the Majors in both 2023 and ’24." The Domínguez Hype Machine took a bit of a hit after he sustained an elbow injury that required Tommy John surgery in 2023, then had an unremarkable (and very brief) 18-game sample with the Yanks last season. That New York opted to play the struggling Verdugo over him in October perhaps says a lot. But for the White Sox, who probably aren’t going to be very good in the time remaining on the Robert contract, the toolsy talent is absolutely a worthwhile long-term gamble.

Frankly, it’s hard to know if Domínguez is enough for Robert or if Robert is enough for Domínguez. Because of the longer-term control of The Martian, in this trade I’m also sending the Yankees a long-term pitching piece in Eder, who debuted last season and could potentially help in the rotation or bullpen in 2025. But as with all of these trades, I’m focused primarily on the centerpieces.

5) Dealing the Cards (a three-team Bohm-nanza!)
Phillies get: 3B Nolan Arenado and RHP Ryan Helsley (from Cardinals), RHP Emerson Hancock (from Mariners), cash
Mariners get: 3B Alec Bohm (from Phillies)
Cardinals get: OF Justin Crawford (Phillies’ No. 3 prospect), RHP Mick Abel (Phillies’ No. 6 prospect), OF Lazaro Montes (Mariners’ No. 3 prospect)

As the Cardinals try to get younger, the Phillies try to get over that last hump separating them from a World Series trophy and the Mariners try to bounce back from last season’s letdown, all three could all serve one another's needs.

Bohm reached All-Star status in 2024 but slumped down the stretch and was even benched for a game in the playoffs. The Phillies have reportedly indicated an openness to moving him. If they did, they would be an interesting home for Arenado, who would certainly fit right in with their cast of 30-something stars. But more important, his right-handed pull tendencies would play up at the Bank. Philly might be the perfect place for him to enjoy a resurgence. Maybe there’s an Arenado deal to be made that sends the 28-year-old Bohm to St. Louis, but the Cards might be more intent on getting middle-infield prospect Thomas Saggese to the bigs sooner than later, which would allow Nolan Gorman to move to his natural position at third.

That’s why I’m roping in a third team in the Mariners, who need to lock in an everyday option at the hot corner and would benefit from Bohm’s reasonable contractual control for the next two years while dealing from an area of strength in shipping Hancock -- a 25-year-old starter who is blocked in Seattle’s elite rotation -- to Philly.

The complicating factor in this or any Arenado deal is the big contract that pays him another $74 million total through 2027 (with $10 million of that paid by the Rockies, as if this isn’t all confusing enough). That’s why I’m “tacking on” the not-so-small factor that is one season of control of Helsley, the reigning NL Relief Pitcher of the Year. From the Phillies’ perspective, that’s a pretty good get in exchange for absorbing -- some(?), most(?), all(?) -- of the Arenado money. Ultimately, how much the Cardinals eat would affect the quality of their prospect return.

Perhaps (likely) what I’ve proposed falls short for all parties. But I happen to think we have the seeds of something here. So I’ll let the esteemed execs involved round out the finer details.

My work is done.