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Derek Dietrich turned into a baseball monster and the Pirates are his No. 1 victim

Someone should have called 911. They should have halted the game. Someone, somewhere, should have intervened. On Tuesday night, there was a baseball monster at Great American Ball Park who was out committing some truly horrifying baseball carnage. Like a game of Clue, I can tell you exactly who the culprit was: It was Derek Dietrich in the batter's box with his trusty lumber.

In April, the Reds infielder with impossibly sculpted abs went deep against the Pirates and he looked at the baseball less like he was admiring a home run and more like he was in the MOMA seeing a Picasso for the very first time:

On Monday, also against the Pirates, Dietrich went deep again and casually sauntered out of the box with a shake of his head. Like a parent dismissing you with a shake of their head at a report card, this was loud while being completely silent:

Those were simply the appetizer for Tuesday night, though. This was simply a cat playing with its prey before going in for the kill. Because on Tuesday, Dietrich was an unstoppable force. The Pirates threw the ball away from Dietrich: He hit it out of the park.

They threw it inside, he hit it out of the park.

They left it down the middle -- where they probably shouldn't have, but hey, who knows, maybe that will work better than the other options -- and guess what? He hit it out of the park. Every time he smashed the ball he put on a showcase of post-home run confidence.

He dropped the bat like his very swing had warmed it to 1,000 degrees and he needed to let it go. He'd go into his trot -- a herky-jerky sort of walk that looks like a rich old man out for a spring stroll. Frankly, it's so absolutely "Monty Python"-esque silly that it's hard to remember that he's doing this after hitting a home run:

He gave his dugout the Jordan shrug.

It was a complete and total decimation of a team that you hardly ever see. There was nothing the Pirates could have done except pretend they saw a bear in the woods: Lay down and pretend to be dead. Unfortunately, this was a baseball game, so they simply had to pitch to Dietrich and watch him go deep ... again and again and again.

While Tuesday was the finishing touch, the final scoop of dirt on the Pirates grave, it was merely an extension of what he's done against the team all year. In just 23 plate appearances against Pittsburgh, Dietrich has nine hits and seven have left the park. Dietrich -- the fake mustache-wearing beekeeper -- has become a baseball killer and obliterated an entire baseball team with three mighty dingers.

Fortunately for the Pirates, there was a rain delay for Wednesday's game that gave them time to, presumably, say a prayer and figure out how to stop this baseball-mashing monster. Because otherwise, I don't know what they could have done.