Every MLB mascot, ranked by the ease with which I could trash them in a fight
I just want to say up front: Mascots are great. They're lovable pranksters, engines of chaos and pillars of our communities. Please do not try to fight one. Violence is never the answer, particularly violence against our furry friends. (Well, except maybe Gritty; guy's got it coming.)
Still, _hypothetically speaking_, if I had to -- if circumstances were such that I had no choice but to defend myself or my loved ones -- here is a list of Major League mascots, arranged by my confidence that I could absolutely body them in a fight.
1. The Rally Monkey, Los Angeles Angels
The Angels are one of three MLB squads without an official mascot, a fact that will not save everyone's favorite white-haired capuchin monkey/good-luck charm when I drop-kick him into the Pacific Ocean.
2. Swingin' Friar, San Diego Padres
He's a man of god, and he doesn't even wear real shoes.
3. Wally the Green Monster, Boston Red Sox
Wally is technically a monster, but he is the least threatening monster you've ever laid eyes on:
4. Racing sausages, Milwaukee Brewers
They are literal sausages, their bodies are 20 times the length of their arms. Next.
5. Southpaw, Chicago White Sox
A few Southpaw facts: Not even the White Sox know exactly what he is. His favorite snack is ants on a log. He once owned a pet rock. I rest my case.
6. Racing presidents, Washington Nationals
First of all, those heads have got to be pretty top-heavy. Second of all, I've seen enough races to know that, even if you get in trouble, the presidents are all extremely gullible.
7. Clark the Cub, Chicago Cubs
Clark is clearly a child, to the point that I almost feel bad about taking him to the thunderdome.
8. Stomper, Oakland A's
Yes, Stomper is an elephant, and elephants are on paper a tough matchup. But 1) look at this lil' bunny and 2) look at this lil' bunny take a punch:
9. Lou Seal, San Francisco Giants
I will allow that Lou Seal is surprisingly buff. Get him on dry land, though, and it's all over.
10. Slider, Cleveland Indians
Guy can't even see past his own mop-nose.
11. Fredbird, St. Louis Cardinals
Fredbird's a little unnerving -- those unblinking eyes, the all-consuming darkness of his beak. Unfortunately, he's also skipped far too many leg days.
12. Ace, Toronto Blue Jays
Bring back Swole Bird and then we'll talk.
13. Billy the Marlin, Miami Marlins
The pointy nose is a concern, as is the fact that his head is made of rock-hard plastic. None of which changes the fact that he is a fish in a track suit.
14. Paws, Detroit Tigers
More Tony the Tiger than actual Tiger, Paws is simply not about this life.
15. Oriole Bird, Baltimore Orioles
Maybe it's because his head is weirdly daunting, or because he is perfectly "V" shaped, but I feel like the Oriole Bird would be a harder out than you'd expect.
16. Screech, Washington Nationals
He's not particularly big, or particularly fierce, but look: Screech has seen some stuff.
THE EYES:
17. Dinger, Colorado Rockies
Pros: is a dinosaur, literally hatched from an egg on-field which is indisputably metal. Cons: Looks kinda like an ice cream cone.
18. Captain, Texas Rangers
Crazy enough to challenge an entire Major League dugout with nothing but a pillow, which has to count for something.
19. Blooper, Atlanta Braves
Anything with French horns for ears and the courage to defraud Manny Machado out of hundreds of millions of dollars is not to be trifled with.
20. Mariner Moose, Seattle Mariners
At first blush, this ranking seems aggressive -- Mariner Moose seems for all the world like a family-friendly character, someone who wouldn't hurt a fly. Counterpoint: Have you seen the damage a moose can do?
21. Pirate Parrot, Pittsburgh Pirates
This is no ordinary parrot. This is a parrot with anger in his eye design and a clear knowledge of piracy.
22. Raymond, Tampa Bay Rays
I mean, you saw him ruin Stomper's day up there, right? I don't know what Raymond is, but I do know that he is like 90 percent hair.
23. T.C. Bear, Minnesota Twins
Clark the Cub: boyish, youthful, disarming. TC Bear: manic, possessed, doomed to forever smile his curséd smile and harbor the unspeakable evils of the world within the abyss of his gaping maw.
24. Sluggerrr, Kansas City Royals
Not only is Sluggerrr the king of the jungle -- he doesn't wear a crown, his head literally is a crown -- but more importantly, he's got a little crazy in him.
@Southpaw Hi! Are you sitting so close so you can see what a playoff bound team looks like?
— Sluggerrr (@Sluggerrr) September 28, 2014
This is the sign of a lion who is clearly looking for an excuse to eat your face.
No one really comes to the circus to see elephants anyway, right @Stomper00?
— Sluggerrr (@Sluggerrr) September 28, 2014
25. Mr. Redlegs, Cincinnati Reds
"He's just a baseball," you tell yourself. And then, in the distance, a faint rumble. Suddenly you see it, but by then it's too late:
26. Mr. Met, New York Mets
As far as "anthropomorphized baseballs I would certainly not want to meet in a back alley" goes, I give Mr. Met the slightest of edges over Mr. Redlegs -- he too has crazy eyes, but with an added history of using his own team's star pitcher's mother as leverage in a Twitter beef.
Mother! How could you?!?!? pic.twitter.com/VukKt15V80
— Noah Syndergaard (@Noahsyndergaard) April 3, 2017
27. Orbit, Houston Astros
This may seem too high -- Orbit is basically a big furry green alien baby, after all. He comes from the Grand Slam Galaxy! Look at that face. How could you be intimidated by that face?
I'll tell you how: very easily, because behind it lurks a pranking mastermind with a seemingly endless budget.
He wants you to take him for granted; it allows him to wreak maximum havoc.
Classic @OrbitAstros. All tricks and no treats. #HappyHalloween pic.twitter.com/geqKoUmpC9
— Houston Astros (@astros) October 31, 2016
You think it'll be a walk in the park, and the next thing you know he's somehow got you trapped in a human-sized fishing net.
28. Bernie Brewer, Milwaukee Brewers
On the other hand, there's Bernie Brewer, who doesn't have bells and whistles but does have biceps the size of my torso. You can't convince me he hasn't thrown down in plenty of beer halls in his time, like The Hound of the Midwest.
29. Baxter, Arizona D-backs
I'm pretty sure Baxter is less a mascot than an actual bobcat who emerged from a nearby mountain range one day, picked up a D-backs jersey at the team store and decided that he liked baseball and would henceforth dedicate his life to making every Arizona opponent miserable. He may not be the biggest, but I'm confident that he would go the farthest in his pursuit of victory. Just ask the Dodgers:
30. Philly Phanatic, Philadelphia Phillies
For starters: I have never seen the Phanatic in person, but he sure seems awfully thicc on TV. Like, just physically, I feel like I would have a hard time pushing him around. Then you factor in the zeal for chaos, the obvious thirst for messing with those around him, the access to an all-terrain vehicle and heavy artillery, and there is just no way that would go well for me. Help us, Cole Hamels, you're our only hope.
