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Every MLB mascot, ranked by the ease with which I could trash them in a fight

(Art by Tom Forget)

I just want to say up front: Mascots are great. They're lovable pranksters, engines of chaos and pillars of our communities. Please do not try to fight one. Violence is never the answer, particularly violence against our furry friends. (Well, except maybe Gritty; guy's got it coming.)

Still, _hypothetically speaking_, if I had to -- if circumstances were such that I had no choice but to defend myself or my loved ones -- here is a list of Major League mascots, arranged by my confidence that I could absolutely body them in a fight.

1. The Rally Monkey, Los Angeles Angels

The Angels are one of three MLB squads without an official mascot, a fact that will not save everyone's favorite white-haired capuchin monkey/good-luck charm when I drop-kick him into the Pacific Ocean.

2. Swingin' Friar, San Diego Padres

He's a man of god, and he doesn't even wear real shoes.

3. Wally the Green Monster, Boston Red Sox

Wally is technically a monster, but he is the least threatening monster you've ever laid eyes on:

4. Racing sausages, Milwaukee Brewers

They are literal sausages, their bodies are 20 times the length of their arms. Next.

5. Southpaw, Chicago White Sox

A few Southpaw facts: Not even the White Sox know exactly what he is. His favorite snack is ants on a log. He once owned a pet rock. I rest my case.

6. Racing presidents, Washington Nationals

First of all, those heads have got to be pretty top-heavy. Second of all, I've seen enough races to know that, even if you get in trouble, the presidents are all extremely gullible.

7. Clark the Cub, Chicago Cubs

Clark is clearly a child, to the point that I almost feel bad about taking him to the thunderdome.

8. Stomper, Oakland A's

Yes, Stomper is an elephant, and elephants are on paper a tough matchup. But 1) look at this lil' bunny and 2) look at this lil' bunny take a punch:

9. Lou Seal, San Francisco Giants

I will allow that Lou Seal is surprisingly buff. Get him on dry land, though, and it's all over.

10. Slider, Cleveland Indians

Guy can't even see past his own mop-nose.

11. Fredbird, St. Louis Cardinals

Fredbird's a little unnerving -- those unblinking eyes, the all-consuming darkness of his beak. Unfortunately, he's also skipped far too many leg days.

12. Ace, Toronto Blue Jays

Bring back Swole Bird and then we'll talk.

13. Billy the Marlin, Miami Marlins

The pointy nose is a concern, as is the fact that his head is made of rock-hard plastic. None of which changes the fact that he is a fish in a track suit.

14. Paws, Detroit Tigers

More Tony the Tiger than actual Tiger, Paws is simply not about this life.

15. Oriole Bird, Baltimore Orioles

Maybe it's because his head is weirdly daunting, or because he is perfectly "V" shaped, but I feel like the Oriole Bird would be a harder out than you'd expect.

16. Screech, Washington Nationals

He's not particularly big, or particularly fierce, but look: Screech has seen some stuff.


17. Dinger, Colorado Rockies

Pros: is a dinosaur, literally hatched from an egg on-field which is indisputably metal. Cons: Looks kinda like an ice cream cone.

18. Captain, Texas Rangers

Crazy enough to challenge an entire Major League dugout with nothing but a pillow, which has to count for something.

19. Blooper, Atlanta Braves

Anything with French horns for ears and the courage to defraud Manny Machado out of hundreds of millions of dollars is not to be trifled with.

20. Mariner Moose, Seattle Mariners

At first blush, this ranking seems aggressive -- Mariner Moose seems for all the world like a family-friendly character, someone who wouldn't hurt a fly. Counterpoint: Have you seen the damage a moose can do?

21. Pirate Parrot, Pittsburgh Pirates

This is no ordinary parrot. This is a parrot with anger in his eye design and a clear knowledge of piracy.

22. Raymond, Tampa Bay Rays

I mean, you saw him ruin Stomper's day up there, right? I don't know what Raymond is, but I do know that he is like 90 percent hair.

23. T.C. Bear, Minnesota Twins

Clark the Cub: boyish, youthful, disarming. TC Bear: manic, possessed, doomed to forever smile his curséd smile and harbor the unspeakable evils of the world within the abyss of his gaping maw.

24. Sluggerrr, Kansas City Royals

Not only is Sluggerrr the king of the jungle -- he doesn't wear a crown, his head literally is a crown -- but more importantly, he's got a little crazy in him.

This is the sign of a lion who is clearly looking for an excuse to eat your face.

25. Mr. Redlegs, Cincinnati Reds

"He's just a baseball," you tell yourself. And then, in the distance, a faint rumble. Suddenly you see it, but by then it's too late:

26. Mr. Met, New York Mets

As far as "anthropomorphized baseballs I would certainly not want to meet in a back alley" goes, I give Mr. Met the slightest of edges over Mr. Redlegs -- he too has crazy eyes, but with an added history of using his own team's star pitcher's mother as leverage in a Twitter beef.

27. Orbit, Houston Astros

This may seem too high -- Orbit is basically a big furry green alien baby, after all. He comes from the Grand Slam Galaxy! Look at that face. How could you be intimidated by that face?

I'll tell you how: very easily, because behind it lurks a pranking mastermind with a seemingly endless budget.

He wants you to take him for granted; it allows him to wreak maximum havoc.

You think it'll be a walk in the park, and the next thing you know he's somehow got you trapped in a human-sized fishing net.

28. Bernie Brewer, Milwaukee Brewers

On the other hand, there's Bernie Brewer, who doesn't have bells and whistles but does have biceps the size of my torso. You can't convince me he hasn't thrown down in plenty of beer halls in his time, like The Hound of the Midwest.

29. Baxter, Arizona D-backs

I'm pretty sure Baxter is less a mascot than an actual bobcat who emerged from a nearby mountain range one day, picked up a D-backs jersey at the team store and decided that he liked baseball and would henceforth dedicate his life to making every Arizona opponent miserable. He may not be the biggest, but I'm confident that he would go the farthest in his pursuit of victory. Just ask the Dodgers:

30. Philly Phanatic, Philadelphia Phillies

For starters: I have never seen the Phanatic in person, but he sure seems awfully thicc on TV. Like, just physically, I feel like I would have a hard time pushing him around. Then you factor in the zeal for chaos, the obvious thirst for messing with those around him, the access to an all-terrain vehicle and heavy artillery, and there is just no way that would go well for me. Help us, Cole Hamels, you're our only hope.