MILWAUKEE -- Freddy Peralta walked off the mound Monday night still searching for an answer.
Not an excuse. An answer.
Because from his perspective, nearly everything still feels the same.
His fastball still has life. His velocity is still there. He believes his slider is better than it was a year ago. Yet another start slipped away, this one in the place that had become home over eight seasons, as Peralta allowed seven earned runs over 5 1/3 innings in the Mets' 8-3 loss to the Brewers at American Family Field.
"I don't know," Peralta said. "I don't even know how to answer that question. I don't understand sometimes."
That uncertainty has become the defining theme of Peralta's first season in New York.
Acquired from Milwaukee in January to help anchor the Mets' rotation, Peralta owns a 5.01 ERA through 21 starts -- his highest as a full-time starter and, by his own admission, unlike anything he has experienced in the Major Leagues.
The frustrating part, Peralta said, is that the underlying ingredients still feel intact.
The timing only adds another layer of uncertainty. With the Trade Deadline just about two weeks away and the Mets sitting at 42-59, the club appears poised to sell. Peralta, who is eligible for free agency after the season, figures to be one of New York's most intriguing trade chips if the Mets begin moving veterans.
Asked whether he's thought about what the next two weeks could bring, Peralta acknowledged the speculation but said the decision isn't his to make.
"I don't know," Peralta said. "I don't know what the future holds. That's out of my control.
"I feel good. The stuff is good. Everything's there. Velocity is there. I think compared with last year, even, I have the sweeper or the slider. It's better than last year. So I don't know. I've been working, trying to figure it out, but I'm not going to give up on this. Just keep going through this and keep fighting."
If there was ever a place for things to click back into place, this seemed like it.
Peralta returned to American Family Field for the first time since building one of the most accomplished résumés in Brewers history. Before first pitch, Brewers manager Pat Murphy reflected less on Peralta the pitcher than Peralta the person.
"The smile, the way he treated people, what he was about," Murphy said. "That's the memory."
The crowd reminded Peralta of that before the game, greeting him with a warm ovation that briefly turned a regular July series into something more personal.
"It was too much," Peralta said. "They did so much for my career and for my family. In the eight years that I spent here, we made seven playoff [appearances]. It's amazing. I felt it before the game."
For a few moments, the night felt like a celebration. It quickly became another frustrating chapter. The results looked painfully familiar. The emotions didn't.
"I just want to get through this," Peralta said. "I still believe in myself. I know I'm better than this. I know I can be great. It's not easy, but as a player there are some tough moments that we've got to get through. I don't want to stay like this. I want to keep working. I want to get better and try to be better in my next game."
Long after the numbers from Monday night fade, Peralta knows Milwaukee will remain one of the defining places of his career.
"I spent a long time here," Peralta said. "It's a place that I love, and it will always be in my heart. Milwaukee's always going to mean something to me and for my family, too."
The return home gave Peralta a reminder of everything he accomplished in a Brewers uniform.
Now he's still searching for a way to become that pitcher again.
Whether that opportunity comes in a Mets uniform or another uniform remains one of the biggest unanswered questions of the next two weeks.