The Simpsons vs. the 2004 Red Sox
Before you read any further, please understand that this was the most enjoyable article I’ve ever written. I am a very big fan of The Simpsons. Since I was four years old, my father forced my brothers and I to do three things: be polite, play baseball and watch The Simpsons. Needless to say, when the episode “Homer at the Bat” (s03e17) came out in 1992, my whole family sat politely and watched The Simpsons play baseball.
Fast forward 25 years. I’m in the MLB Fan Cave living my dream of creating comedic content and watching baseball. In my audition video to get here, I mention that my girlfriend left me for playing too much fantasy baseball.* I was referring to “What-If” Fantasy Sports; I can take players from any point in time and create a team. Through sabermetrics, players from past years compete against other players and the most logical result appears. It’s addicting, nerdy and super fun.
As Professor Frink says, “Baseball is a game played by the dexterous, but only understood by the poindexterous.”
*It’s not the only reason she left.
In What-If, it’s fun to make match-ups on teams that never can happen, like Greg Maddux versus Ted Williams, or the ’27 Yankees versus the ’97 Yankees.
I decided to take The Springfield Isotopes (the power plant softball team, using the player’s 1991 stats) and pit them against my favorite team of all time, the 2004 Red Sox, and put them in a one-game playoff match.
(NOTE: Because Mr. Burns did not select a DH, and the ’04 Sox had one, I chose 1954 H. Simpson. Why? Seemed like the logical thing to do since Springfield War Memorial Stadium doesn’t exist in real life, and playing at Fenway in ’04 didn’t require the pitcher to hit.)
(ANOTHER NOTE: I pitched ’91 Clemens vs. ’04 Schilling, despite Wakefield starting Game 1 of the ’04 WS)
Below are the results, followed by screenshots of the box scores. (and a slideshow of some great moments from Simpsons baseball episodes)
The Springfield Isotopes won, 6-0! - “A triumph of number-crunching over the human spirit!”
As you can see, What-If Sports “makes baseball as fun as doing your taxes!” (I should also note that I ran the simulation 10 times, and the Isotopes only won once.)
I will end this nerdy stuff with my favorite quote of all:
Funnel cake employee: “Not everything’s baseball”