Off-the-wall predictions for the Astros in 2024

January 3rd, 2024

This story was excerpted from Brian McTaggart’s Astros Beat newsletter. To read the full newsletter, click here. And subscribe to get it regularly in your inbox.

The start of a new year means it’s a chance for everyone to set some goals. That’s even true for the Astros, who are once again among the favorites to contend for a World Series title. With the start of Spring Training around the corner, here are some off-the-wall -- and completely fabricated -- predictions for the Astros in 2024:

Bryan Abreu: Abreu is so unhittable, baseball changes its rules to allow hitters to ask for the “intentional strikeout” so they don’t have to step into the box against him.

José Abreu: He finds his power stroke from the get-go and begins to incorporate sliding into the dugout at the conclusion of each of his home run trots.

Jose Altuve: Altuve cements himself as the greatest Astros player in history by earning his second MVP award and winning the city’s mayoral race in a landslide special election.

Yordan Alvarez: The slugger hits a home run so far that the folks down the road at NASA respond by postponing all space missions while he’s at the plate.

Alex Bregman: After one of his horses wins the Kentucky Derby, Bregman begins mimicking a trotting horse each time he rounds the bases.

Hunter Brown: Detroit native shows up at Spring Training wearing blue face paint after his Lions win their first Super Bowl championship.

Yainer Diaz: After finally getting a chance to become the starting catcher, Diaz aims to make up for lost at-bats from 2023 by trying to convince manager Joe Espada he can also play the role of Victor Caratini.

Mauricio Dubón: A Gold Glove winner at the utility position in 2023, Dubón vows to play all nine positions in a single game this season.

J.P. France: The right-hander shaves his trademark mustache, but no longer gets to ask his teammates if they know how fast they were driving over the speed limit.

Chas McCormick: The “Chas Chomp” is replaced by the “McCormick Moonwalk,” which sweeps the country and lands him on Dancing with the Stars.

Jeremy Peña: The baseball community is stunned when Peña ends his home run drought on Opening Day and proceeds to bench press the catcher after crossing home plate.           

Ryan Pressly: His walk-up song, “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” by Johnny Cash, is heard so much at Minute Maid Park that it shows up on the Top 40 music charts.

Kyle Tucker: After struggling to decide whether to wear batting gloves full time the last two seasons, Tucker unsuccessfully tries to sell his teammates on batting mittens.

Framber Valdez: The lefty allows so many ground balls that the infield grass at Minute Maid Park must be replaced following each one of his starts.

Justin Verlander: There’s not a dry eye in the house when Verlander vows to pitch until he’s 50 years old, but only if the Astros trade for him three more times.